Welcome to Sensitive with an Edge for highly sensitive people who embrace their intensity, uniqueness and value in this world. Join us on the exploration of relationships,
complex trauma recovery, non -conventional mindsets, neurodiversity and themes that involve healing, growth and empowerment. empowerment. I am Chris Lyon,
and thanks for joining us here at Sensitive with an Edge, the podcast that doesn't think you are too sensitive. A little bit about me, for 24 years, I've been a personal and relationship coach.
I'm an author and board certified hypnotist, certified in applied neuroscience. But I'm also, highly sensitive. So I do understand the experience of the highly sensitive person.
Today is a special day because I get to welcome my co -host Robin. So welcome, Robin. Good to have you here. Hey, Chris. It's nice to be here. Thanks for having me. Hi,
everybody. And this is your very, very first podcast ever, correct? Absolutely. My very first and only. Okay. And you're only one ever that you're ever going to do?
I don't know. The jury's still out on that. We'll see. So far, you're doing great. Thank you. I've only said about four or five words, but thank you. I appreciate it. See how it goes. There you go. Also,
I want to mention to your listeners if they need a refresher intro on highly sensitive people to please check out and listen to episode one of the podcast. That'll help if you guys want a refresher or if you.
not sure what I'm talking about. And today we're talking about something very important, the stigma and shame that so many highly sensitive people or HSPs relate to and have had to live with.
We're gonna be talking about an extra bonus. We're going to address the comparison trap. And it's gonna get a little deep, it's gonna get a little heavy, just a little, but we're here with you.
- And we figure you aren't the biggest thing. fans of shallow talk, but it's all good. - Yeah, you guys aren't gonna want just small talk, so I know you guys can handle this. For too long, according to people who didn't know any better,
being highly sensitive carries a negative stigma that is both inaccurate and harmful. Now, some of these antiquated beliefs are that HSPs are lazy,
that they're weak, that they're too sensitive. sensitive. We've heard that one before all the time. I think a lot of people will find this is familiar. And, you know, HSPs just aren't getting with the program.
And maybe the people who run the program should consider that the program may be falling short if it's built for only about two thirds of people. But anyway, many caregivers,
peers, partners and authorities still push those narratives on and about HSPs. This leads to many highly sensitive people to doubt themselves and to judge themselves unfairly,
to be self -loathing or self -rejecting. There is nothing here in these false notions that builds a highly sensitive person's self -esteem and confidence.
It can discourage self -discovery and self -acceptance rather than fostering it. Many, many times, a mother has told me that her child was highly sensitive.
And then they said, "But I love them anyway." Yeah. - Ouch. - Kind of hard to hear. - Yeah, for sure. Chris, you said one mother wrote to you about that and used a sad emoji?
- Yes, and after she messaged me about finding out her child was highly sensitive and used the sad emoji, I almost used the sad emoji. emoji back because my reaction was sadness that that's how she reacted to it.
I don't think she would have gotten that part of it, so I didn't do that. She probably would not have. Now, on a macro level, organizations and institutions have long emphasized group conformity.
That's to scourge people from processing their emotions or authentically embracing their individuality. That's for pretty much everyone. So, sensitivity and the insights shared that were born of high sensitivity were discouraged and shunned.
HSPs have been scorned and shamed in the mainstream. So, it makes sense that they took pains to hide their sensitive traits as much as possible and to keep distance from other people,
to hide who they were as much as possible. For too long, conventional society rejected and wrongly judged these sensitive individuals as,
and here's a bigger list for you besides weak and lazy, incapable, insane, neurotic, overly emotional, unable to address or handle stress,
socially incapable, inflexible. Those are just some examples. I'll bet some of those sound familiar. Definitely sound familiar. familiar. That's really sad that people would think that about somebody who's highly sensitive.
- Well, it's been going on for quite some time. Given this historically, sensitive people struggled with or avoided fully understanding and accepting the sensitive makeup that they carried as part of who they were.
Now there were outlets such as the arts and being out in nature and such, but there was a lot of restriction. So let's go a bit deeper into the micro levels. levels of how shame plays heavily into and becomes infused throughout an HSP's life,
unfortunately. Listen carefully, and you may see key people in your life a bit differently after this. Many non -highly sensitive parents and caregivers have been uncomfortable with those who seem to process more deeply and show more sensitivity than others do.
And I believe in many cases, shame is experienced on the part of those who are uncomfortable or who are not able to understand, not being able to go there. Think of a frustrated parent or teacher in your past.
I've worked with parents who carry guilt for many years. They've told me that they weren't able to understand their child's sensitivity. So they felt that they had been incompetent with their care.
And there were parents who say that in their... their sensitive child, they saw a light or a knowing, or maybe a deep intensity, at least a unique individuality,
or some parents say that in their sensitive child, they saw a light, a knowing, or maybe a deep intensity, at least a unique individuality that they themselves,
the parents, did not have, which sometimes made them feel worse about about themselves. I would think some of these parents have double shame in both these situations.
Yes. I've seen that as well. Then there are the parents who unknowingly were HSPs, right? That happens a lot. I'm sure it does. And they personally carried lifelong shame for being different.
They project their self -loathing and their shame onto their highly sensitive child. Now, many HSPs. parents may have that secondhand shame, so they can also desire to help their child avoid the shame and judgment that they've experienced.
Of course, you have those who are ashamed of having a child who is sensitive. They're embarrassed based on their own lack of awareness on the subject. Some parents, whether highly sensitive or not, can be overprotective with their child because of their child's sensitivity,
and parents in all of these categories can tend to come off as harsh, critical, rejecting, and even punitive to their sensitive kids.
That's brutal. Wow. Parents have told me that they were automatically disappointed when they realized that their child could be highly sensitive, and we mentioned that earlier. They treated the situation like it was bad news.
news. Now, one of them, I remember, took a heroic tact saying, "Well, we love him anyway." And in my mind's eye, I would just imagine this brilliant, gentle,
intense human who was just getting to know the world and seeing themselves in large part through their caregivers and they could tell that there was some disapproval or disappointment.
And that's not the worst of it. Without giving details, some HSPs have been punished for being their highly sensitive selves. So there's a good reason that we're spreading awareness about HSPs.
And thank you all for helping to get this podcast out there, by the way. Unfortunately, I've rarely heard from parents who were grateful and understanding, and they wanted to support their highly sensitive kids and help them learn to manage their lives as HSPs.
The reason this isn't the standard is simply because of a general lack of understanding of what it means to them. to have a highly sensitive child or to be in HSP. Now you have numerous cycles of shame going around,
surrounding the HSP. Naturally, they become immersed in shame from all of this, and that's not all. Remember we spoke of HSP's being able to take in extraordinary energy and details and sensory stimulation from their environment,
processing everything more deeply. deeply. Yes, I do. Now you have HSP kids walking around with shame from their caregivers, and then they get bullied or mistreated for this by some authorities and peers who don't understand the sensitivity,
they aren't real accepting, and there's more shame. And at the same time, these young HSPs are noticing how they present and behave in the world is in stark contrast to most of the people and behaviors that they encounter and observe.
They're comparing themselves. They're like majorly comparing, like huge comparisons. They take this all in. Sometimes in just a few moments, also throughout the years,
they are brutally inundated with shame. It sounds just like a vicious circle that just won't end. Well, it can... sound like for many people a difficult way to go through life.
Now, I want to talk about the comparison for a moment. HSPs often compare themselves to other people from an early age and forward. And once it starts, it's a pattern that continues.
You hear things like, "Why can't you be like so -and -so?" Or, "Why can't you be like other people?" Or, "Why can't you be like everyone else?" And then that stays. It just sticks. HSPs deeply feel this.
They process these words or judgments to be very personal and very meaningful in their lives and not in a good nurturing way. Then it becomes part of their own narrative.
- So they're self -talk. - Many of them are consistently trying to be different than who they are. So comparing yourselves to others in this way is unhealthy and it's a trap.
People all have struggles. Everyone does. Most of the people you're comparing yourself to don't have high sensitivity. Remember that as a highly sensitive person.
I've had clients who idealized others and when some of those other people ended up being my clients they weren't who those people described them to be. They were different than that.
Catch yourself when you're comparing. Tell yourself that things aren't always the way they seem. You don't have to be good at being anyone except yourself.
Amen to that. You're going to get it, amen. For HSPs, the good news is that much of this shame that has been installed into your system from early on really isn't up to date.
you. That's glorious. It's amazing. It was a game changer for me and for my clients. Remember everything I just described,
how resilient you are, and you don't have to live with this default anymore. You don't have to live based on the limiting beliefs and standards of others. You can learn more about yourself as an HSP,
including the gifts, the strengths, the challenges, and especially what you need in order to manage your life as a highly sensitive person in an optimal way,
all reconditioning or rewiring with new connections if you will. And we've done a lot of that as highly sensitive people, correct? We've done a lot of that work. Oh, yes, definitely. Definitely something that you think about doing every day,
but then you get used to it. and it's just kind of part of your daily life. - Right, when you decide, hey, this is who I am, I'm gonna learn more about me, but I'm gonna manage my life as a highly sensitive person.
There are things you have to put in place that are new changes and they may be a little uncomfortable or unfamiliar, but it's true. After a while, it just becomes natural. I can't tell you how many times an HSP has told me about a really hurtful situation,
right? - Right. With a loved one. And when they find out that their hurt wasn't really about them, they see it completely differently with a total different set of lenses. This can also happen with all the people in your life,
co -workers, adult children, friends, partners, and more. - Chris, can you give some examples of a hurtful situation that really isn't about the HSP? - Absolutely,
I know many thousands of people. examples. And I've lived many as well. A client told me that her father didn't care for her like he cared for his other children. She was really hurt. She didn't feel important to him or loved by him.
She wondered why her father didn't love her. And for many years, she had shame from this and she felt something was wrong with her or she wasn't good enough as her father had rejected her.
And it turned out that her father father was more of a submissive partner and she didn't realize that. And the second wife that he had married was domineering and jealous and wanted all of his attention to go to her and the kids they had.
Not that that's justified, but I see this often with women who have fathers over 40 who are submissive partners, who are remarried to a domineering controlling spouse.
There is an element. of them living in fear of their spouse in these situations. There seems to be a strong unhealthy dependency quite often. When we process the situation with my client,
she realized when she had contact with her father without his wife, he was always more communicative, more attentive, and he would even make efforts to be in contact without his wife knowing.
And remember, he was fearful. of his wife finding out. The distance between her and her father wasn't about her. And I've heard the situation so many times with women and their fathers.
The healing that I saw once the understanding was there literally dethroned the shame. And the healing process that I've seen after that has been phenomenal.
What a great example. Yeah, there's a lot of them. It doesn't matter what you do in life. Shame can be the main driver for any and all of us. For all kinds of HSPs,
some of the greatest leaders I know who are HSPs have shame and there is a theme that they don't feel they're good enough. I've worked with many, many executives and leaders who don't feel they're good enough for the job.
job that they're in. And the self -esteem can get hit really hard too when you have this kind of shame. The shame and self -esteem issues aren't just exclusive to early experiences then. They're reinforced with continued familiar patterns that lead HSPs to repeat the same situations with other people.
So for instance, if you have a partner who doesn't understand your sensitivity and may not understand your sensitivity, And you're going to have to go back to your job. And you're going to have to go back to your job. And you're going to have to go back to your job. And you're going to have to go back to your job. And you're going to have to go back to your job. be judgmental about it or may seem to take it
personally, you may have that same dynamic in your early history. Here are some of the things that HSPs can get shamed for. We can just give people a list and see if you guys relate to this.
You want to go first? Sure. Sure. Let's see. Yeah. I know you're going to start with your favorites. Yes. Physical sensitivity. So, intolerance to extrovertability.
extreme temperatures, difficulty in a situation where a loud external noise is either repetitive or overly loud. - Big pervasive,
yeah. And then there's getting over simulated at social events and getting overwhelmed with crowds. - Also clothing can be very overstimulating for people. Turtle necks,
tight clothing, socks, a lot of socks with these. the stitches, the seam. Yeah, and when kids don't like that, you know, the parents can get pretty impatient about it,
unfortunately, you know, trying to get the day going. And then also crying or emoting often. Spending a lot of time to themselves and having a lot of downtime.
Having extensive compassion for people or animals they may not even know well. Some of us have been shamed by friends. or partners for not reading their mind when they wanted us to because they've come to expect it.
But that's another subject. I've had tons of clients who have felt shame for being overwhelmed and sometimes resentful after hosting guests for the better part of the week at their house or somewhere that they've rented.
They are exhausted and they feel unappreciated and they feel ashamed for that and that happens a lot. So there are some examples for you. We have a question.
Yes, I'm one in our empowered, highly sensitive community asked this. How to shift from seeing being sensitive as a negative to being a positive. So they're seeing being sensitive as a negative.
Yes, they want to know how they can switch that or flip it to being positive. Well, the first thing I'm going to say is. you aren't alone. This is a common question.
It's the repetitive focus on the negative mindset about it that most likely got you there. You just discussed the ways that could happen. Some of the ways,
yes. What will bring your wish is the journey of self -acceptance, of course, that you can set an intention for. Then, here's the mechanism of how to get it.
You're a better person. focus, repetitive focus on the positive aspects of being highly sensitive. And you just do this over and over and over with gratitude.
Now, I don't know what your gifts of sensitivity are, but here are a few ideas that you and maybe other HSPs can relate to. Think about ways that you have felt empathy and a compassionate understanding of of others' feelings and situations.
Perhaps you have strong intuition or strong creative or artistic skills. Maybe you have an ability to appreciate nature and connect with it. Perhaps you're able to enjoy spending time with yourself.
Focus on things like that, the things that you resonate with, and use this podcast to help your loved ones understand your high sensitivity more. so you can get more support on your mindset.
The world needs highly sensitive people. So keep that in mind. - It absolutely does. - Now remember, we would love your questions. So use the links to contact us and send them in and also check out our resources in the links.
Something we're excited about. We're working on launching a monthly membership. for HSPs to help you get results on your growth and healing journey. So get on the mailing list to find more out about that.
Also, please remember to subscribe, rate this podcast and share the link with as many people as you can. Love that accent. Share the link.
That's okay. We'll keep it in. We'll keep it in. You should probably have me do my Boston accent. It probably would be... a hoot. That's true. Now, we're changing the way people see high sensitivity.
So thank you for your support. And thank you so much for joining us. Next time, we'll discuss intensity and resiliency of the HSP. And I'll go into some of my own personal story as a highly sensitive person with complex trauma working in the healing field.
field. - Sensitive with an Edge is a podcast created by Chris M. Lyon for highly sensitive people, seeking relatable and practical insights. While the content is designed to be informative and supportive,
it is not intended as medical or clinical advice. Listeners are encouraged to determine their own sensitivity level and consult with a healthcare professional if needed.
Use and opinions expressed in this podcast. are based on the knowledge and experience of the host and guests, and do not necessarily reflect those of any affiliated organizations or individuals.
