Hi all, our study includes the survey that is now available for those who feel they prefer dominant and submissive relationship model. Please pass this on so all of the input can be helpful to others:
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/dsrelationshipsurvey
Sometimes things aren’t as they seem. These are three separate questions submitted for my local column. Do you think they got the answer they expected?
Dear Chris,
I am pretty generous when it comes to doing things for or giving gifts to other people. I don’t mind if they don’t give me gifts as thoughtful or expensive; in fact, they don’t have to give me anything. But I still find it so insulting and offensive when they don’t even bother to send me a thank-you note. Is it wrong to expect the very basic human manners?
Giver A
I am a very fair-minded person and I’m having some problems with feeling taken advantage of at work. I work as a clerk in an office and do more than my share of work and often offer to handle situations when others are having trouble with them. I feel like people expect this of me now. I think I deserve respect and some appreciation. No one seems to understand this, not even my bosses. After all that I do, what can I do to get my value appreciated? It’s just getting worse.
Giver B
My friends come to me when they are upset. They tell me all of their problems and complaints about their spouses, co-workers and families. I listen patiently, and give them the best advice I can. I spend so much time and energy doing this, people lean on me so much, but they aren’t taking my advice. This is so frustrating. What gives?
Giver C
Givers, I understand your situations are different, but I do see a few common threads in them.
First of all, this gracious generosity, for the most part, is given without being asked for by the other parties involved.
Secondly, even though these things are openly given, specific expectations are attached to the deeds.
Thirdly, these concerns seem to be coming from a sense of fairness. I can empathize with your points of view, and your feelings of being unappreciated and taken for granted.
This can be changed, but only by you. People are to do things the way they think is fair, right or comfortable for them. Their view of the situation is probably completely different than yours.
You are all clearly in touch with your feelings and beliefs on the subject. In order to have a better understanding of the situation, ask yourself, “Am I aware of or thoughtful about where the other person is coming from?”
For example, not everyone was taught that thank-you notes are an appropriate way to show thanks and acknowledgment for a gift. Some people even feel uncomfortable receiving gifts. Others aren’t comfortable expressing themselves in writing or may be self-conscious about writing anything personal. They may not be aware that you have an expectation of them. Or, they may think a simple “thank you” is in order. They simply are not coming from the same place as you are.
If your intention is for them to receive the gift and the thought, and do with it what they will, you have succeeded, instead of set yourself up for hurt.
As far as the work situation, you sound like more than a model employee/peer. You are being paid for the work of one person; you have the right to offer that and save the rest of your time and energy for you.
Something that can help you feel better about not taking on so much is to be clear that you are not responsible for other people. They are responsible for themselves. You simply don’t have the right to take on the things that they need to learn and deal with in their life.
The lessons and growth they are faced with at their job is meant for them, not you. Let it go and be satisfied with how you deal with your own responsibilities. Enjoy the freedom that comes with that.
As for being a friend to lean on and giving advice: this too takes so much of your energy, and for what? What I am hearing is that the people who complain to you are happy with making you live the miserable parts of their lives right along with them.
They don’t seem to want to change things at all, only to complain. They may not even be asking for advice, and if they do, it could just be a ploy to keep you engaged in their misery. Keep in mind that often when they tell you their problems over and over, it may be they are actually embracing their situation and not ready to make changes at all. Again, it’s their lessons to learn when they are ready.
What a great life to live your own lessons, step into your own growth and be completely free to do that. How empowering it is to know your own value, beyond someone who is often unnecessarily self-sacrificing.
Be more particular about what you give of yourself, so you don’t set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. People don’t have your sense of fairness; they have their own ethics, just like you do.
Most importantly, make a new goal to give freely when you do give, with no strings attached, invisible or not.
Listening to: Falling by I:Cube
In referring to serious, long-term, committed relationships, some of my clients have mentioned that they keep secrets, feelings and items of interest in their lives from their significant others.
Further, some of them have felt it necessary or comfortable to talk to their best friends or extended family members about concerns or problems with their relationship or spouse. If that is something that helps the problem or concern, as long as it works, why change it?
But I have yet to hear that this open sharing of personal and private opinions and bits of information outside of the relationship is any help at all.
A mother once told me that when her adult children complain about their spouses or boyfriends, her children get over it soon, but she cannot. The listener does not have the same relationship as each partner in the relationship does. This can cause harm in the future for everyone involved, including young children.
Couples usually plan to face the world together, intending to unite as a family forever, or at least a team in the long term. They share their lives together and intimate details and vulnerabilities with each other. The plan is often to have each other’s back in unwavering support when times get tough and challenges appear; to be connected with each other.
Elizabeth Gilbert has an effective analogy in her book, “Committed”. A figurative house that a couple shares has walls and windows. When one partner opens up and shares things with an outsider, instead of with their partner, a window opens up between the partner and the outsider and a wall comes between the two spouses. This puts the relationship at risk, by default.
The resolution to stick together as a team through whatever comes is undermined.
This is also a typical way that extra-marital affairs start. Communication is not at its best, in fact it’s been suffering for awhile and one or both partners have given up depending on it. Someone else, a friend, a co-worker or chat buddy (spouses chatting with other people online – the field starts filling up with red flags) may show interest and often a “compassionate” ear for one-sided commentary on the relationship. The window opens up to the brightness and breath of fresh air – and a wall goes down on the relationship.
Would it have been better to learn how to continue efforts to communicate mutually rather than to avoid or blow up at each other? Wasn’t communication the vehicle that you knew was so important from the beginning? It’s not just words or fact, it’s absolutely vital that spouses become experts at communication – not as much in a general sense as specifically with each other. There is a difference.
Everyone feels love and caring in different ways. Everyone has various ways they see the world. Just about everyone has needs and wants to be validated and understood. Common ground must be established with excellent and consistent communication.
Trust is a couple’s foundation. How can this be maintained if one or both is holding back or choosing someone else to share important things with?
One example I use is that people are expected to learn as much as they can about how to take care of a baby, before it’s born. When the baby is born, new parents continue to research, discuss and learn what they can about how to best raise this little human being. This learning continues in theory and practice on a daily basis.
Wouldn’t it make sense that the same dedication to growth and learning would exist with the raising of the relationship between spouses, from “birth” on?
Add to the fact that one of the things that provides a child a healthy upbringing is to experience their parents putting their relationship at high priority level and mastering communication with each other.
So are issues kept to yourself or shared with someone else other than your spouse ultimately the best or easiest way to go? Keep in mind, when things may seem hopeless, it doesn’t mean they really are.
As most of you probably can relate, I often get requests for advice or insight because of the work I do. Here are a few of the issues I’ve worked on with clients over the years that have helped them create the changes they want.
Some are reminders and some are taught.
Over the years, I’ve talked with many mothers who love and are concerned about their children. Some carry loads of guilt and some feel great about their place in life as Mom. Either way along the spectrum, moms often have regrets and wish they did some things differently as a parent, and they deeply love their children.
So kids, teens and adults alike, here are some things your Mother may not have told you:
Dear Chris,
My wife and I really want to quit smoking. We don’t want the monetary or health cost anymore. We want to stop putting this poison in our bodies. She’s diabetic and stressed about eating more when she quits. I have been smoking for 31 years and am hesitant about the detoxing and stress from trying to quit. We have talked to our doctor about the Patch and she said Hypnosis may be helpful as well. We want to be fully prepared and do it the right way permanently. Can you give some input on this?
Calling it Quits
Dear Calling,
My personal approach is to use whatever it takes to quit for good – with as little stress as possible and the prevention of unhealthy cravings.
Consider that everything people do is to gain pleasure or avoid pain. Cigarettes can be a smoker’s best friend, usually for decades. Cigarettes are there for them when they are stressed, when they wake up, go to bed, when they need a break, etc. They become psychologically and physically addicted.
It’s important to associate cigarettes with pain or negative feelings, and find other things to replace smoking with, instead of just ripping this coping mechanism out of your life. Hypnosis has been proven to help with both of those, and has been established as having one of the highest success rates for smoking cessation. Doctors and health care practitioners often refer smokers to me for Hypnosis. It’s safe, low cost and has no negative side effects.
Research shows that a significant percentage of people stop smoking permanently with just a few Hypnosis sessions. Some studies show it’s more effective to use both Hypnosis and a Nicotine Patch; and either choice has a higher rate of success than going “cold turkey”.
Again, it depends on the individual, but most of my smoking cessation clients had already tried and failed with the “cold turkey” method, and experienced unnecessary stress with it.
Because I have seen so much success with it over the years, my “double-barrel” methods are Coaching, Hypnosis and often Neurolingistic Programming (NLP) techniques for better success, less stress and no cravings. This is often done in two sessions, only with serious clients. I won’t waste someone’s time or money if they aren’t ready to quit, as with Hypnosis, it’s impossible to do anything against your will.
You can check out my powerful smoking cessation program here:
That being said, here are some things to think about for whatever method you decide on:
Remove all cigarettes, signs and scents of smoking in your home, automobile and workplace. Placing a bowl of white vinegar in a former smoking area helps absorb odors. Rearrange your previous favorite smoking areas. These preparations can help avoid triggers and gives you a fresh start.
Figure out your social situation – yes it is necessary. If you used to take breaks or hang out with people who smoke, put a stop to it. Don’t frequent those areas or ask them to smoke outside or somewhere else. Again, less triggers, less temptation.
Drink plenty of water and get plenty of quality sleep during the detox process, and it will go smoother.
Find a replacement for your first cigarette of the day, since that’s how you start out your daily regimen. Some of my clients have decided to stretch, exercise, do yoga, go for a walk, brush their teeth, etc.
You’ll have to figure out how to cope with stressors that come up, and make a plan for anticipated triggers.
You can temporarily replace the hand-to-mouth or oral habit with stress balls, toothpicks, straws, gum or sugar-free suckers or candy.
Ask for and accept support and encouragement from those who you are certain will be supportive of your goal to become a non-smoker.
In my work, I see mostly three vital areas in relationships that make the most difference: Emotional Intelligence, The Golden Rule and Habits.
At a basic level, this is an aptitude that can be developed. You become good at understanding as clearly as possible where the other person is coming from in situations of relationship difficulty. In fact, Emotional Intelligence, or “EQ”, gives you more insight and control over your situation, so the best action to take becomes clear.
For example, if your partner verbally lashes out at you because they don’t feel they are being understood at work, it’s helpful to see this and realize that you are not responsible for their action. What you can do is help them feel understood so they start being communicative instead of hurtful. Listen to them, and acknowledge what they are saying. This can help calm them and you can explain to them how their behavior hurt you.
If your loved one is shutting down or being hurtful because they don’t know how to explain that they need more attention from you, Emotional Intelligence understanding helps you – so you don’t take their actions personally. Once you realize that their actions and words are not about you, but about how they are feeling inside, you can feel less defensive and address the real problem with them.
There are reasons that people shut down, stop talking, blame, insult, and get impatient. If you address these reasons, the unwanted behavior isn’t necessary. And you can use this new awareness to compliment or support your partner when they need it.
2. The Golden Rule
A client wasn’t treated well by his past girlfriends. They didn’t seem to make him a priority, and when he tried to talk to them about it, they put him down. He went on a date with a new girl. She wanted to pay for dinner and gave him a small gift on the date. At the movies, he found out via text messaging that some of his friends were going to a party. So he took a bathroom break and left his date while he ran off with his friends! Maybe if his integrity in relationships was stronger, his connections would be better.
Everyone wants to be treated right and cared for in a relationship; no one wants to be cheated on or lied to, so why do those things to your partner? Everyone wants to be understood and validated; everyone would appreciate someone giving them a break when they don’t feel good. Its great teamwork and if both of you agree to be team players and treat the other one the way you want to be treated, it makes all the difference. If you become very conscious of this concept, your relationship can begin to improve instantly. Plus, its preventative care that strengthens the bond.
3. Habits
Its interesting how many books people read and how many TV shows they watch about relationships, yet their relationship is often not effected long term by even a minimal percentage. What has to happen is repetition, until it becomes natural.
The new thought process you decide to adopt must be done over and over again, like new steps to a dance you are learning for a special performance. Awareness is key to making these new thought patterns and actions a habit, which means second nature. This is the missing key with anything you learn about relationships that you want to use but doesn’t last!
Remember; put your plan into action consistently. Decide it’s not an option, it’s a must.
Now, move ahead with all three concepts in place and you may find yourself in loving bliss with your significant other and able to express yourselves easier and feel the love more. Now you are on your way to Relationship Mastery.
Hold the Love Close.
Listening to: Nao Vu Fugir by Ive Mendes
Over the years, it’s been amazing to see the changes that people have experienced with Hypnosis. It’s taught me to be in more awe of the power of the mind, and of the mind/body connection.
Still sometimes, I find it so interesting that people experience such significant change that they aren’t able to be fully aware of for some reason or another.
One of the more extreme stories on this was about a client that I had a few years ago. When I first met with her, she was completely bedridden months after a difficult recovery from back surgery. She couldn’t do something as benign as scratching her nose or slightly moving, without the trunk of her body suddenly reacting with horrible, excruciating spasms.
Her husband explained that this had gone on since she was in the hospital. She added that she felt she had been traumatized during the surgery somehow. I saw her painful spasmodic reactions repeatedly firsthand.
They said they tried everything, gone to numerous doctors, taken loads of meds, had massage, physical therapy and nothing helped. I got medical clearance to help her and got right to work. Over the next few weekly sessions, we did NLP, guided imagery and large parts Hypnosis. She used a customized hypnosis recording between sessions.
Each week, she used her hypnosis recording faithfully. She was such a trooper, so patient and cooperative throughout the sessions.
From the second session on, I took note that she was in less pain, she moved around more and seemed to have more peace and relief. Best of all, she was able to move more freely as the spasms were less frequent.
After about six weeks of sessions, the spasms were gone, and we were still working with her pain and mobility. She informed me that she had gotten out of bed and actually made Thanksgiving dinner from her wheelchair! Huge progress. Then what happened next was a shocker. Her husband told me that they were getting discouraged. He didn’t believe that the sessions were working.
I was really surprised, and even when I shared the documented changes with them, it didn’t seem to matter.
Sometimes people can’t realize significant change because they are discouraged about the overall situation, or a number of other reasons.
It reminds me to ask myself whether I am taking my changes in life for granted. Sometimes I have to remind myself of something little; such as my high school didn’t teach typing. So when I got into college, I taught myself how to type 100 wpm. The benefits I’ve gotten from that have been literally life-changing for me, and they keep on giving.
Are you fully aware of your personal changes over time? Think about the events and situations that you’ve gotten through, think about the things you’ve taught yourself, and how richer your life is for it. I bet you can impress yourself.
Listening to: Beautiful Surprise by India Arie
Some studies say that the biggest concerns people have are money, love and health.
I wonder which one of these that people work to maintain the most. We’re all different, but I can’t help but thinking that there are places on just about every other city corner to help us manage or maintain our money or health. As far as relationships, not so much.
We work so hard to improve, perfect, integrate, familiarize ourselves with dance steps, sports, work, and so many other occupations.
Yet there’s quite the drive in so many people to have a spouse or partner that you share love and life with. It’s so very important and lives just wouldn’t be the same without them.
Think about your future, are your greatest moments and hopes shared with a partner?
Love is a very powerful force, and some people put that at the top of their needs and wants.
So why it is that we aren’t given more education and direction in life on this amazing subject?
Marriage, for example, is a very highly-held institution in our land. There are many privileges and responsibilities that come with it. Yet the divorce rate has climbed over the decades and is worse than ever for those who are under 30. It’s come to a point where two consenting adults can marry and divorce without much legal interference.
We see brides on TV who start on the wrong foot by repeatedly saying, “This is my wedding”. This isn’t true, they aren’t going to be at the altar alone, or leave the altar alone. When people feel compelled to withdraw or lash out in response to relationship problems, surely they don’t believe that this will help the relationship in some way.
For many partners, it’s become too easy to go into fight or flight mode, very easy to avoid existing problems and suffer silently or through rage, and especially take ones relationship for granted. But again, we have to consider what kind of compound damage this can do to the relationship.
Relationships are so important to us; though so few people have learned and truly live Relationship Mastery.
Many of us are not exposed to unbiased relationship guidance and hands-on practical actions that lead to healthy relationship habits. In fact, many learn about love relationships during formative conditioning years from unrealistic media and from people who had little guidance and no healthy example.
Learning how to have better relationships is so important; yes in extreme, desperate cases but also in preventative ways as well. They can make all of the difference through our trials and victories in life. They help us to love, be loved and be joined together in this life.
The imprinted learning is something that continues through life and is passed on from generation to generation.
But we do still have a choice about it.
Hopefully, you will consider this and choose to do more for the health of your relationship with your partner and most importantly, will choose to develop lifelong habits.
Part 2 (in the near future, so stay tuned) will examine three areas that can make or break a successful and loving partnership.
Listening to: “Rosa Del Sol” by Gabriel Bauza and then “Sweet Love” by Kaskade
It’s been a rough year for many people and their loved ones, yet we see these same people, resilient and resourceful, rallying to get excited about the New Year.
Resolutions, we all have made them, promises and plans for ourselves and our lives to make things better with the new year. Our resolutions usually fall into one of two categories focusing one either embracing a new life style or kicking a habit.
For many years now, I’ve been fortunate enough to be an “agent of change” for the people I work with and I’d like to share with you four steps that I have found help most with achieving lasting change.
1. Forgive and accept
Give yourself the best chance out of the gate and allow yourself to start with a clean slate. This will mean something different to each person, but start by realizing and owning fully that you are a glorious human being. By nature, we make what is called (for lack of a better word) “mistakes”.
Be aware of how you’ve learned from those mistakes and relapses and how now you are wiser. Use this awareness to be more resolved to make this desired change work. Be very clear that you fully accept these changes that you are about to make and maintain.
2. Determine specifics, setting boundaries
Be very specific with your desired resolution of change. Know when you will start, exactly what you want to accomplish, and what the resolution does and doesn’t entail. This is a strong strategy for the people that are better at self governing. For others who work best with hard line guidance, having someone to hold you accountable on the specifics works best.
Be clear on the whole plan and understand the need to put adjusstments in place to make sure past blocks don’t get in the way. It’s better to come up with adjustments for change and include it in your plan, before you start, than just tell yourself you want to make it happen.
For example, someone who wants to be a non-smoker usually wants to quit with as little stress as possible. So instead of taking away the first cigarette of the day, how about starting a new ritual upon awakening, such as exercise, deep breathing techniques or a brisk walk with your dog? Then you come up with an alternative action or habit for the other times of the day that you used to smoke regularly.
3. Keep going, have your eye on the prize
Make sure your plan includes daily affirmations and reinforcement. Journal, write affirmations to keep on the wall and/or talk to yourself and have others encourage you repeatedly about your anticipated outcome – the one you are manifesting. No matter what, you absolutely can do this, you can make this permanent.
Sometimes you have to make some serious adjustments to your support network. Keep repeating positive statements over and over or keep reminding yourself what you’ve already decided is yours. Make sure that something getting in the way is NOT AN OPTION. Accept that change as yours. Either way, everything people do is to gain pleasure or avoid pain, so make sure there is great pleasure associated with your resolution and goal.
4. Get the power of your mind on board!
Your unconscious mind doesn’t differentiate between strong visualization and reality. So your mind actually takes what you visualize and works to make it your reality. Imagine a vision of yourself with the change you want. See yourself enjoying the change, being satisfied, feeling accomplished and living happily with the change.
Visualize holding yourself better, breathing and moving easier, and notice that confidence and joy. Take the whole scene in, make it vivid and clear.
Now, make the visualization a natural part of your process and change can come faster and easier!
