In referring to serious, long-term, committed relationships, some of my clients have mentioned that they keep secrets, feelings and items of interest in their lives from their significant others.

Further, some of them have felt it necessary or comfortable to talk to their best friends or extended family members about concerns or problems with their relationship or spouse. If that is something that helps the problem or concern, as long as it works, why change it?

But I have yet to hear that this open sharing of personal and private opinions and bits of information outside of the relationship is any help at all.

A mother once told me that when her adult children complain about their spouses or boyfriends, her children get over it soon, but she cannot. The listener does not have the same relationship as each partner in the relationship does. This can cause harm in the future for everyone involved, including young children.

Couples usually plan to face the world together, intending to unite as a family forever, or at least a team in the long term. They share their lives together and intimate details and vulnerabilities with each other. The plan is often to have each other’s back in unwavering support when times get tough and challenges appear; to be connected with each other.

Elizabeth Gilbert has an effective analogy in her book, “Committed”. A figurative house that a couple shares has walls and windows. When one partner opens up and shares things with an outsider, instead of with their partner, a window opens up between the partner and the outsider and a wall comes between the two spouses. This puts the relationship at risk, by default.

The resolution to stick together as a team through whatever comes is undermined. 

This is also a typical way that extra-marital affairs start. Communication is not at its best, in fact it’s been suffering for awhile and one or both partners have given up depending on it. Someone else, a friend, a co-worker or chat buddy (spouses chatting with other people online – the field starts filling up with red flags) may show interest and often a “compassionate” ear for one-sided commentary on the relationship. The window opens up to the brightness and breath of fresh air – and a wall goes down on the relationship.

Would it have been better to learn how to continue efforts to communicate mutually rather than to avoid or blow up at each other? Wasn’t communication the vehicle that you knew was so important from the beginning? It’s not just words or fact, it’s absolutely vital that spouses become experts at communication – not as much in a general sense as specifically with each other. There is a difference.

Everyone feels love and caring in different ways. Everyone has various ways they see the world. Just about everyone has needs and wants to be validated and understood. Common ground must be established with excellent and consistent communication.

Trust is a couple’s foundation. How can this be maintained if one or both is holding back or choosing someone else to share important things with?

One example I use is that people are expected to learn as much as they can about how to take care of a baby, before it’s born. When the baby is born, new parents continue to research, discuss and learn what they can about how to best raise this little human being. This learning continues in theory and practice on a daily basis.

Wouldn’t it make sense that the same dedication to growth and learning would exist with the raising of the relationship between spouses, from “birth” on?

Add to the fact that one of the things that provides a child a healthy upbringing is to experience their parents putting their relationship at high priority level and mastering communication with each other.

So are issues kept to yourself or shared with someone else other than your spouse ultimately the best or easiest way to go? Keep in mind, when things may seem hopeless, it doesn’t mean they really are.