Hi all, our study includes the survey that is now available for those who feel they prefer dominant and submissive relationship model. Please pass this on so all of the input can be helpful to others:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/dsrelationshipsurvey

Sometimes things aren’t as they seem. These are three separate questions submitted for my local column. Do you think they got the answer they expected?

Dear Chris,
I am pretty generous when it comes to doing things for or giving gifts to other people. I don’t mind if they don’t give me gifts as thoughtful or expensive; in fact, they don’t have to give me anything. But I still find it so insulting and offensive when they don’t even bother to send me a thank-you note. Is it wrong to expect the very basic human manners?
Giver A

I am a very fair-minded person and I’m having some problems with feeling taken advantage of at work. I work as a clerk in an office and do more than my share of work and often offer to handle situations when others are having trouble with them. I feel like people expect this of me now. I think I deserve respect and some appreciation. No one seems to understand this, not even my bosses. After all that I do, what can I do to get my value appreciated? It’s just getting worse.
Giver B

My friends come to me when they are upset. They tell me all of their problems and complaints about their spouses, co-workers and families. I listen patiently, and give them the best advice I can. I spend so much time and energy doing this, people lean on me so much, but they aren’t taking my advice. This is so frustrating. What gives?
Giver C

Givers, I understand your situations are different, but I do see a few common threads in them.

First of all, this gracious generosity, for the most part, is given without being asked for by the other parties involved.

Secondly, even though these things are openly given, specific expectations are attached to the deeds.

Thirdly, these concerns seem to be coming from a sense of fairness. I can empathize with your points of view, and your feelings of being unappreciated and taken for granted.
This can be changed, but only by you. People are to do things the way they think is fair, right or comfortable for them. Their view of the situation is probably completely different than yours.

You are all clearly in touch with your feelings and beliefs on the subject. In order to have a better understanding of the situation, ask yourself, “Am I aware of or thoughtful about where the other person is coming from?”

For example, not everyone was taught that thank-you notes are an appropriate way to show thanks and acknowledgment for a gift. Some people even feel uncomfortable receiving gifts. Others aren’t comfortable expressing themselves in writing or may be self-conscious about writing anything personal. They may not be aware that you have an expectation of them. Or, they may think a simple “thank you” is in order. They simply are not coming from the same place as you are.

If your intention is for them to receive the gift and the thought, and do with it what they will, you have succeeded, instead of set yourself up for hurt.
As far as the work situation, you sound like more than a model employee/peer. You are being paid for the work of one person; you have the right to offer that and save the rest of your time and energy for you.

Something that can help you feel better about not taking on so much is to be clear that you are not responsible for other people. They are responsible for themselves. You simply don’t have the right to take on the things that they need to learn and deal with in their life.

The lessons and growth they are faced with at their job is meant for them, not you. Let it go and be satisfied with how you deal with your own responsibilities. Enjoy the freedom that comes with that.

As for being a friend to lean on and giving advice: this too takes so much of your energy, and for what? What I am hearing is that the people who complain to you are happy with making you live the miserable parts of their lives right along with them.

They don’t seem to want to change things at all, only to complain. They may not even be asking for advice, and if they do, it could just be a ploy to keep you engaged in their misery. Keep in mind that often when they tell you their problems over and over, it may be they are actually embracing their situation and not ready to make changes at all. Again, it’s their lessons to learn when they are ready.

What a great life to live your own lessons, step into your own growth and be completely free to do that. How empowering it is to know your own value, beyond someone who is often unnecessarily self-sacrificing.

Be more particular about what you give of yourself, so you don’t set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. People don’t have your sense of fairness; they have their own ethics, just like you do.

Most importantly, make a new goal to give freely when you do give, with no strings attached, invisible or not.

Listening to: Falling by I:Cube

In referring to serious, long-term, committed relationships, some of my clients have mentioned that they keep secrets, feelings and items of interest in their lives from their significant others.

Further, some of them have felt it necessary or comfortable to talk to their best friends or extended family members about concerns or problems with their relationship or spouse. If that is something that helps the problem or concern, as long as it works, why change it?

But I have yet to hear that this open sharing of personal and private opinions and bits of information outside of the relationship is any help at all.

A mother once told me that when her adult children complain about their spouses or boyfriends, her children get over it soon, but she cannot. The listener does not have the same relationship as each partner in the relationship does. This can cause harm in the future for everyone involved, including young children.

Couples usually plan to face the world together, intending to unite as a family forever, or at least a team in the long term. They share their lives together and intimate details and vulnerabilities with each other. The plan is often to have each other’s back in unwavering support when times get tough and challenges appear; to be connected with each other.

Elizabeth Gilbert has an effective analogy in her book, “Committed”. A figurative house that a couple shares has walls and windows. When one partner opens up and shares things with an outsider, instead of with their partner, a window opens up between the partner and the outsider and a wall comes between the two spouses. This puts the relationship at risk, by default.

The resolution to stick together as a team through whatever comes is undermined. 

This is also a typical way that extra-marital affairs start. Communication is not at its best, in fact it’s been suffering for awhile and one or both partners have given up depending on it. Someone else, a friend, a co-worker or chat buddy (spouses chatting with other people online – the field starts filling up with red flags) may show interest and often a “compassionate” ear for one-sided commentary on the relationship. The window opens up to the brightness and breath of fresh air – and a wall goes down on the relationship.

Would it have been better to learn how to continue efforts to communicate mutually rather than to avoid or blow up at each other? Wasn’t communication the vehicle that you knew was so important from the beginning? It’s not just words or fact, it’s absolutely vital that spouses become experts at communication – not as much in a general sense as specifically with each other. There is a difference.

Everyone feels love and caring in different ways. Everyone has various ways they see the world. Just about everyone has needs and wants to be validated and understood. Common ground must be established with excellent and consistent communication.

Trust is a couple’s foundation. How can this be maintained if one or both is holding back or choosing someone else to share important things with?

One example I use is that people are expected to learn as much as they can about how to take care of a baby, before it’s born. When the baby is born, new parents continue to research, discuss and learn what they can about how to best raise this little human being. This learning continues in theory and practice on a daily basis.

Wouldn’t it make sense that the same dedication to growth and learning would exist with the raising of the relationship between spouses, from “birth” on?

Add to the fact that one of the things that provides a child a healthy upbringing is to experience their parents putting their relationship at high priority level and mastering communication with each other.

So are issues kept to yourself or shared with someone else other than your spouse ultimately the best or easiest way to go? Keep in mind, when things may seem hopeless, it doesn’t mean they really are.