Recently a friend mentioned that he gets only 5-6 hours of sleep each night, but he feels that 8-9 hours of sleep is best for him. He struggles with needing that extra sleep because he feels he would be wasting that time sleeping when he could be doing other things.

So his sleep suffers. Cleary, his quality of life was suffering too. He consistently complained that he wasn’t productive because he was too tired.

Getting enough quality sleep is extremely important to your health and daily function.

Sleep deprivation can cause accelerated aging, potential risk of memory loss, and increased chances for cancer, heart disease and diabetes.  Immune system function, appetite and blood sugar regulation are adversely affected by sleep deprivation.

Sleep is a key factor in regard to the amount of personal resources we have to work with.  It makes a tremendous difference in our moods, choices, energy levels, productivity and overall well-being. The way we view our lives and situations often depends on whether we’ve had enough sleep.

Everyone has a different schedule. Making your time and amount of sleep more consistent helps significantly. Sleeping the number of hours that work best for your body and mind is important. Studies show an unhealthy risk for many adults who get less than 6-7 hours per night. 

The more quality sleep you get and the more REM time you get when you sleep, the better your memory is and the more energetic you’ll feel. Deep levels (delta) of sleep help you to heal.

Preparing for sleep each night is important.  Let yourself wind down, and don’t engage in any mentally-challenging activity an hour or so before you go to bed; which may include watching the news after 7pm.

Make a list of thoughts, concerns and items to take care of the next day.  Put the list in another room, where you will see it in the morning when you are well-rested and clear-minded, so you won’t need to process them in bed.  

Alcohol, caffeine and nicotine can interfere with quality sleep cycles.  Even staring at that computer screen before you sleep can offset your circadian rhythm! There are programs that will help to dim your computer screen the closer it gets to your bedtime.

Physically relax and visualize yourself getting restful, undisturbed sleep. Your mind listens to your commands so tell yourself that your mind and body will heal and recharge as you sleep through the night, and you will awaken feeling refreshed, energetic and focused.  When you do these things, you are actually using the pharmacy of your brain to chemically create quality sleep.

What about your sleep environment?  Temperature is an important factor. People tend to sleep better at cooler temperatures. A recent study showed that decreased metabolism in the frontal cortex of the brain help with restful sleep and relieves insomnia. This essentially means that “cooling” of the brain can help people get to sleep, according to the study by the Sleep Neuroimaging Research Program at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine.

Sound is another environmental factor. If you need to filter out any noises, or if it helps to listen to soothing sounds, I suggest www.purewhitenoise.com to hear samples that may fit for your slumber. The CDs featured can be set on repeat for the night.  

Light and bed comfort are also factors that determine your sleep. So consider light adjustment and the optimum bed and bedding to set the stage.

Talk to your doctor if you think there may be medical conditions, such as sleep apnea that are hindering a good night’s sleep.

Hypnosis has been proven to help people have quality, restful, restorative sleep and helps with issues that may prevent it, such as stress, insomnia or clinical issues.

Good sleep even helps us stay motivated, creative and patient; it’s in fact life-changing.

Pleasant dreams!

Ms. Bonnie Ware, an emergency nurse who worked with the dying for many years, recently shared the regrets that those who were dying had in their lives.

The most common regret was: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

Ms. Ware states; “When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it…most people have not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.”

This is at a point where people can’t turn back and make it right in this life. We can learn from these people and their lessons can be of great value to us.

This is a common complaint that I hear from clients, not living a life that is true to who they are. It is one of the reasons I am so passionate about the work I do.

We all are different with common ground. This is a beautiful thing. It’s important to find who we are and what makes us light up and to be and pursue that with our life energy. We are born just as who we should be, and as adults, we have the choice to develop that into its highest form of thriving existence.

Brett Martin, CEO and Founder of Sonar, a new mobile application shares similar sentiment: “It’s so much more effective to be yourself than to pretend to be something you’re not because doing the latter is so emotionally taxing, you’ll never be someone that is fully committed. Being yourself pays dividends.”

Award-winning actress Sally Field has admitted that “It took me a long time not to judge myself through someone else’s eyes.”

But how freeing it is when we release ourselves from the oppressive and deceiving trap of comparing ourselves to others! To pursue the things, situations, relationships and accomplishments that mean to very much to each of us.

Comparing ourselves to others is a fallacy, because we only get to compare everything and anything we know about ourselves to others who we have very limited knowledge about. We often don’t know their first thoughts of the day, how they interact with those most intimate to them, if they have forgiven themselves or others, what they struggle with, what weakness they feel from day to day, etc.

Yet some of us value their lives, decisions and well, their “appearances” over our own. It’s misleading and defeating. So why continue to choose that when being your true self pays off so much more.

Keep in mind that a person who may have an opinion about you has their own life; and in their life, they have the right to make their own decisions and be who they choose to be. They do not have the same choices with your life; it’s not their right or their place.

We can all find people who will tell us what they want us to do. What matters is that you find yourself and tell yourself what you genuinely want and need to do and to be in your life. Your life is a great single gift, what a concept it is to honor that.

When you really get aligned with truly being you, there is no guarantee that everyone will understand the projects you take on, your style, your decisions, your priorities, etc. However:

• Not everyone understands and accepts everything about you now. That doesn’t happen for any of us.
• It’s a good way of identifying and bringing close those who accept you as who you are, even if they may not understand.
• You’ll understand and accept yourself better, and by default you can find like-minded people who truly appreciate and understand you better.
• You won’t have that last regret when your life approaches its close; and you won’t wonder “what if” because you lived it!

You are a very unique and important person with an amazing body, mind and spirit. There is no one else just like you. Honoring that just makes you live your life freely and with joy and empowerment.

“When there is no enemy within, the enemies outside cannot hurt you.” -African Proverb

It’s true that suffering is common to being human. That’s ironic, considering the fact that we are biologically wired to get out of suffering and be happy, at peace and open.

So it serves us to pursue some idea or cause for suffering as being a way of serving us; a way of making our lives better. This takes some conscious and consistent re-wiring, but can be done with powerful and positive results.

First, it’s helpful to “respond” to a situation, instead of “reacting” to it. Reacting without feeling what we need to feel and thinking things through for effective action can cause us to miss vital elements of the situation and make judgments and choices that we may regret later. This also keeps us from learning all we can from the situation.

Things are not always what they seem, and that’s why “responding” to something we are faced with can often show us a clearer, wider view.

Next, it’s usually difficult to have the most positive outlook when we are in the throes of suffering! So feeling those feelings and knowing they are valid is important, instead of ignoring or stuffing them and paying for it later physically or mentally. For example, the grieving process should be honored. There is no time limit for being “over” it. When the feelings come, it’s important to feel them and go through it if we can.

Also, it’s important to eventually ask ourselves what the gift is from this experience.

A personal example is when my Mother passed on. She had been a best friend all of my life and I was her best friend. We had such a close bond that is more like kindred spirits than Mother and daughter.

When she passed, it was during the culmination of all of her years of physical and mental suffering. She was having health issues addressed and she was young enough to live many happy decades. The sudden, final loss was the biggest impact in my life and for me description is beyond words. This affected my identity, my heart and my whole life for good.

After some time of grieving, I faced a decision. I decided to ask myself what I learned from her life and passing so I could get something meaningful from it all. My personal answer came swiftly and surprisingly: “The greatest thing in life is to love and be loved.” This message has become my belief and has changed my whole life permanently.

Out of the experience of losing my Mother in my life, I received so many gifts. One of them was my practice, the work that I do with others. I still grieved, but I’m happy for her and for me. Through my experience with her, I experienced transcendence. I help others experience their own transformations.

I see and feel the grace from this every day, whether I’m conscious of it or not. My suffering set me free and helped me to be who I am and find my purpose; and to celebrate love in life.

 Suffering can lead us to into transcendence. It’s a gift, an opportunity, a way to learn what is needed to be learned so we can be who we were meant to be.

Lonely and not Alone

Dear Chris: I am usually a pretty happy and active person. Once in awhile, I have this feeling that makes me feel sad and misunderstood; maybe a feeling of abandonment but I don’t see that in my life. I have people in my life that I’m around enough and even those I love. I figured that it feels like loneliness. I guess I have so much going on in my mind and think differently than others that it feels like I am alone so much.  Any ideas why I keep feeling this way?

Lonely B

Dear Lonely B,

It’s normal for just about anyone to feel a periodic feeling of loneliness, even if they don’t think they are alone enough to feel that way.

At some level, even when we’re around peers, companions and loved ones, we go through life on our own. Our thoughts are unique; our view of ourselves, our life and the world differs from every other individual.

Keep in mind that there is value in these introspective experiences, even if they do seem painful or bittersweet.

That being said, at times, we may feel that we or our situation is so different that others wouldn’t understand, or that they would think worse of us for expressing our thoughts and feelings. So if we are feeling too different and not understood, that can bring on those lonely feelings.

Instead of making us feel bad, loneliness is an emotion that can be helpful by telling us that there are relationship issues that need to be addressed. Open communication can change everything.

It’s hard to carry things inside that are meant to be shared. Our own filters of our feelings or experiences can be so internally focused that we may be missing out on a larger, fuller, different view.

I suggest you find a caring, fair-minded person who you know, or maybe someone who can be unbiased and open-minded, such as a counselor, mentor, advisor or coach. Talk it out with them, part by part, piece by piece. Sometimes we have no idea how much we really have to say until we start.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone about these thoughts and feelings yet, journal about it so you can become more understanding and accepting of them.

Remember that everyone is a completely unique human being; there is no one who is just like you in the entire world. But just about everyone gets feelings of loneliness.

Chris M. Lyon is the Intuitive Coach – a Board Certified Consulting Hypnotist, Certified Coach and Master Practitioner of NLP. She is a nationally-recognized author, speaker and mentor in her fields of work. Specialties are Confidence, Relationships and Sensitive People. Find out more at www.CoachLyon.com or call 480-288-2723.

The following are references to real-life relationship situations that occurred in sessions. Thanks to some of my clients for these examples. I made sure that I knew enough background before commenting on the following. Of course these are partial responses and issues were thoroughly discussed. 

“After he hurt my feelings and we talked about it, we were in the den and I was sitting right next to him. I gave him the opportunity to tell me how sorry he was and just hold me and be loving.”

-What I heard in that second sentence: “I gave him the opportunity to use osmosis to think with my brain, instead of being direct about what I needed.”

“I don’t understand why she doesn’t pay the bills in the way that makes the most sense. I even explained the whole process to her”.

-What was reflected back: “Because she is your opposite, she does many things much differently than you. That is something that attracted you to her”.

“I don’t understand why it takes her hours to shop; I know what is needed, I can just go and get something and come home.”

-My response: “Because she shops differently than you and enjoys walking down each isle, taking her time”.

“I know that what I did hurt him. I’ve listened, apologized and just want to move on. Why can’t he just let it go?”

-My observation: “What she’s feeling is very human; she can’t just switch off her strong feelings. She needs time to process and move forward. No one but her can decide when she’s over it. This is part of the consequences that you both face. You can ask her how you can help but the rest is something you both have to give time.”

“I don’t know why she has to avoid people so much and cancel plans with her friends. I love to hang around with friends.”

-What I explained: “She loves people, but unlike you, they overwhelm her as she is sensitive to their energy and she needs more time to herself to recharge between social situations”.

“Why does he always have to try to fix things for me? Why can’t he just listen and understand? He always seems to be telling me what to do differently.”

-My suggestion: “Perhaps he is protective and compassionate toward you and wants to help you with a solution to your problems. It may help to gently ask him to tell you that he feels bad for you because it’s an awful situation – before he offers other options”.

“She always has to talk to other people at events and leaves me sitting alone. She makes me feel like I’m not important to her”.

-My response:  “You know that by nature she is a social butterfly who loves her family and friends. She adores you and would love for you to make the rounds with her. She always comes back to you, but she just doesn’t sit quietly away from the social activity as much as you prefer to. I suggest asking her to connect with you at the beginning of an event with a gesture of affection and reassurance. Also, discuss a compromise so she can socialize and the two of you can spend some time together during the event”.

Many people have been unnecessarily conditioned from early development to ask: What if I’m not smart enough, good enough, etc.? So many people have a way of repeatedly telling themselves all of the negative things they ever heard or thought of themselves in the past.

These little gems are usually passed on by our own personal authority figures who inwardly talked the same way to themselves. Often these authority figures really did not know what they were talking about.

So those statements that go on and on in your head – it’s not even necessarily true; just passed on!

The truth is that you are a very powerful, insightful human being who is capable of doing things that amaze even you (remember?). You have your answers already and you have the ability to love and accept yourself fully. That’s a pretty powerful package.

So what happens when you try something and it appears that you fail? Is it really a failure? Let’s take a look at it this way:

1. You realize that at least you put forth the effort.
2. You may decide to try again; instead of quitting.
3. The experience may teach and motivate you to learn what you need to do to succeed when you try again. Failure is quite often a learning experience that can help lead us to success!

It’s illuminating what you find out about yourself and your situation when you step up, despite all of the negative conditioning and fears. Always look for the good that you can get out of any situation, especially when it seems out of your control – and you’ll find it.

So all of this may be true, but it’s so easy to say. How can you deal with the fear that seems to block creativity, achievement, even motivation?

Remember that so many thoughts in our head happen by our choice, whether we chose them or chose not to pay attention to them. This is the key to changing our thoughts. We can actually choose thoughts and use them in place of the limiting and restricting thoughts.

For example, when a former repetitive thought may have been; “What if I can’t do this?” Change the thought to: “I can do this.” Try to keep these thoughts in the present tense and keep them positive, without any negative terms.

Do this over and over and guess what? It becomes familiar. Yes it becomes a habit to tell yourself that you’ll figure it out and go for it. Just the “going for it” part is so empowering.

You be the deciding factor. It’s often not enough to say I’ll change my thoughts, and think some positive thoughts for a day or two. Achieving something takes a plan using action that you didn’t use before, those times when you either didn’t try or you didn’t achieve what you wanted.

Here’s an example from personal experience: Years ago, when coming out of the corporate world as a trainer and leader, I decided to go the next step in my life and open my practice as a professional Personal Coach. I had “what-if” fears but I didn’t let them stop me; it was very important to me and I wanted to give it my best effort. I had mentoring, training, read books and got certified.

But then all I heard was that people had confusion about what a coach is and didn’t understand how this could help them. It was very difficult to get new clients. This could have been a “failure” that I walked away from. Instead, I worked with a resort spa and the staff as their coach and got loads of invaluable experience.

Then, I decided to learn Hypnosis. That would help with change with the unconscious part of the mind/body connection – and more people are familiar with both Hypnosis and the successful results from it. I marketed the practice as Hypnosis and Coaching.
That worked very well. I have been able to work with many wonderful people over the years with lots of life-changing results happening for them.

So the road blocks can become amazing victories if you work through or around them in a tenacious, positive way. Discarding road blocks can help you understand what you are really made of and help you create a life according to who you are meant to be.

“…failure is the experience that precedes triumph.” Ghandi

There’s that familiar dialogue we’re always having with ourselves. You know, the statements we make that remind us what we need to work on and take care of. Then, for many of us, that “What-If” fear pops up in between: “What if someone gets hurt?” “What if I embarrass myself?” “What if I forget something?” “What if I am not good enough?” It goes on and on and on.

Dialogue with ourselves is pervasive, it’s something we can count on, whether it’s vocal or not.

So… what would happen if you capitalized on this fact?

Specifically, you get more “particular” about the things you tell yourself in this ongoing dialogue. Sure we’ve developed many of these “inner recordings” in early stages when we didn’t have much choice.

But now – you get to choose what and what not to say.

First of all, a category that stands on its own is the ominous “Things We Can’t Prevent”: Instead of spending energy dreading or trying to change these, why not just prepare to be in the best state of mind and body to be able to work through them if they happen?

An analogy that may help is the fact that the impact of a blow causes more damage if a person is braced for it.

So now you get to put more energy and thought into the things you can prevent.
As for “Things We Can’t Control”: it pays to be clear on what we can and cannot control in life situations. What we can control in these circumstances is how we feel, how we react, how we prepare and often whether or not we choose to tolerate the situation that we have no way of controlling.

For example, you can’t change your boss, but you can look for another job. You can’t change your son-in-law so he has better manners, so you seek and appreciate the common ground you have with him and avoid him when you can.

Another example; let’s say you worry about the safety of your children. That’s understandable, but consider this: Why focus your energy toward their harm? Isn’t it a better bet to take care of the details that are within your control and be grateful that your children are safe and sound in this moment?

You can put more energy into being the best parent you can be for them and enjoying your lives together.

Write or type your fears on a blank page. When you are finished, make note of those that you can do something about, and write yourself instructions on what to do. Then, highlight those items that you cannot control or prevent – and let them go. Make an updated list that does not include them.

Another important choice you do have is to ask yourself what you can learn – or how you can grow from something that seems so difficult, traumatic or immovable. Look by asking “What’s the lesson here?” It’s interesting how our development facilitates sudden change in so many situations.

Why spend so much energy conjuring imaginary dread when we can put our energy into the moment we are in NOW. This is the moment we can co-create, and it starts with our thoughts. In this moment, we don’t have to worry about “What-Ifs”, but rather “What Is”.

Part II will address our personal “What-If” Fears about ourselves.

What if, as if waking up from a dream, you come to such a point of awareness and clarity, that you clearly know your purpose and what can fulfill you, and you know what situations and relationships that have hindered you from being happy? Would you begin doing things differently with your new realization? Here are a few ways to help with conscious awareness in your life:

1. Your unconscious mind must respond to your commands. Sometimes you may not realize the things you think or say are commands, but that’s how your unconscious mind processes them, without judgment. So overhauling your inner dialogue can help you with clarity and motivation. Say positive, affirming statements in the present tense in relation to staying in the moment, being fully aware, being focused and calm, etc.

2. Sure, it’s important to understand how you feel about a situation but did you realize how valuable it is to understand how the other person feels? “Emotional Intelligence” works both ways. The more you make it a priority to understand where the other person is coming from, the more complete information you have.

3. When you feel overwhelmed or stressed, there is an awareness exercise that helps you with acceptance, solutions and resourcefulness. Imagine taking yourself out of what feels like the “eye of the storm”. Suspend yourself over the situation, only as an observer. See what led up to this point, and all of the sides of it, with clear emotional intelligence and logic. Take your time.

Patiently build these new changes as habits and you’ll see obvious results. Use them to help with new awareness on a daily basis.

Dear Chris,

I love my father very much, but caring for him is taking so much out of me. I don’t have as much time for my other family members, friends or myself and I am beginning to get resentful about it. He lives nearby in his own home, but he’s lonely and uses a cane since recent ankle surgery.

Sometimes he is so sweet but other times he is very stubborn and difficult. He thinks clearly and has a great memory, so it makes me think he doesn’t care that he is making things worse for me when I am helping him. What can I do to change this?

Regards,
Overdone

Dear Overdone,

Having an adult family member rely mostly on you is difficult. On one hand, you love and care about them and want them to do as well as possible. On the other hand, you are the only one primarily responsible for your own life.

Let’s look at a few things to consider when taking this responsibility.

First of all, it’s not very pleasant to have to depend on someone else for your welfare. It’s hard to accept or even to understand. This combined with fear of losing more control over their lives, added to the probable loss they’ve had that led them to this situation can be devastating. It’s hard to think clearly, or even care about things they normally would have cared about. So try not to take it personally.

Compassion is what led you here. It helps to understand them to the best of your ability.

Since your father is not accepting your help well, it may help to sit down and have a serious talk. Maybe you or another loved one can acknowledge how hard this must be for him. Explain that he is in a stage of life where he needs to be aware of his health and state of mind.

There is a shift that needs to be made and you are asking that he take care of himself as much as he can, including cooperating with you. Strategize about how he can be active, productive, healthy and optimistic. Something that also needs to be discussed is what you are willing to do and not willing to do, and setting specific days and times for visits.

Your quality of life and your other loved ones that are affected by this situation are just as important. Each life comes with limited time and opportunities. Your father got the opportunity to live his according to his choices – and you should too. Once you set the boundaries with him, the only way he will probably accept it is for you to: Stick. To. Your. Guns. Don’t make excuses or try to convince or argue.

Sometimes there are other family members who can help, even the kids! Maybe they can visit once a month or take him out to do something active. If financial support is in order, maybe family members can mail you a check for a small amount each month, or give you a sum of money to invest in your loved one’s care.
Care facilities are often necessary, since not everyone is qualified to care for the physical and emotional needs of another. Be careful not to take on responsibility that is not rightfully yours.

Allowing confrontation and negativity into your life is not good for anyone. You’ll be better to your father if you set your limits while still having compassion.

I work with clients to reach their goals, and often a client’s goal is to improve their relationship.

One client I’ll call Bea was a newlywed. She seemed to feel very anxious in general about the household, the future, her work, her own goals, her marriage, etc. This was becoming very overwhelming for her.

She would get frustrated when night after night, her husband Brad sat on the couch watching TV after work, being calm with no worries or concerns.

She would carry this anxiety alone for a few days and then when he would be settling back, taking it easy, she eventually got resentful.

Unfortunately, a number of times this scenario had resulted in fights and Brad leaving the house to take a break from her.

This was a very sad and frustrating situation for both spouses, and it was only getting worse.

As we worked through this, Bea realized that in part, she was holding her husband responsible for her happiness and peace of mind.

She agreed to be aware of her feelings and try to understand the reasons for them, and then see what she could do to address her issues. She also figured out specifically what she needed from Brad and agreed to come to him calmly and ask for it.

In this case, Bea felt it was helpful for Brad to do more of the grocery shopping and to comfort her with words and touch when she would come and ask for it. It turns out that he is a great listener and loves his wife as she loves him.

I’ve come across this kind of situation often, especially with people who have been married a few years or less. It sometimes causes irreparable damage to the marriage.

Each person should have their own interests and passions in life that hopefully their partner supports and encourages. They can share this and their mutual interests together.

Yes being a couple is a team situation so it’s definitely not recommended to keep important things from your partner. But make sure you own your responsibility for your emotions and feelings and to have healthy communication with your partner.

Ask your spouse for help. Remember, they may love you dearly, but please don’t expect them to be a mind-reader, no matter how connected you think you are or want to be.

As well, if one partner is triggered into a bad place by another’s tone of voice or lack of reaction, please don’t hold your spouse responsible for your triggers. Talk this through with them in a gentle, non-blaming way so you can come up with a solution or compromise.

Don’t expect that to happen overnight, so patiently remind them when needed.

Strive for a balance in the marriage early on so you don’t get resentful for an imbalanced arrangement and then react in a way that causes more damage for both of you.