What if, as if waking up from a dream, you come to such a point of awareness and clarity, that you clearly know your purpose and what can fulfill you, and you know what situations and relationships that have hindered you from being happy? Would you begin doing things differently with your new realization? Here are a few ways to help with conscious awareness in your life:

1. Your unconscious mind must respond to your commands. Sometimes you may not realize the things you think or say are commands, but that’s how your unconscious mind processes them, without judgment. So overhauling your inner dialogue can help you with clarity and motivation. Say positive, affirming statements in the present tense in relation to staying in the moment, being fully aware, being focused and calm, etc.

2. Sure, it’s important to understand how you feel about a situation but did you realize how valuable it is to understand how the other person feels? “Emotional Intelligence” works both ways. The more you make it a priority to understand where the other person is coming from, the more complete information you have.

3. When you feel overwhelmed or stressed, there is an awareness exercise that helps you with acceptance, solutions and resourcefulness. Imagine taking yourself out of what feels like the “eye of the storm”. Suspend yourself over the situation, only as an observer. See what led up to this point, and all of the sides of it, with clear emotional intelligence and logic. Take your time.

Patiently build these new changes as habits and you’ll see obvious results. Use them to help with new awareness on a daily basis.

Dear Chris,

I love my father very much, but caring for him is taking so much out of me. I don’t have as much time for my other family members, friends or myself and I am beginning to get resentful about it. He lives nearby in his own home, but he’s lonely and uses a cane since recent ankle surgery.

Sometimes he is so sweet but other times he is very stubborn and difficult. He thinks clearly and has a great memory, so it makes me think he doesn’t care that he is making things worse for me when I am helping him. What can I do to change this?

Regards,
Overdone

Dear Overdone,

Having an adult family member rely mostly on you is difficult. On one hand, you love and care about them and want them to do as well as possible. On the other hand, you are the only one primarily responsible for your own life.

Let’s look at a few things to consider when taking this responsibility.

First of all, it’s not very pleasant to have to depend on someone else for your welfare. It’s hard to accept or even to understand. This combined with fear of losing more control over their lives, added to the probable loss they’ve had that led them to this situation can be devastating. It’s hard to think clearly, or even care about things they normally would have cared about. So try not to take it personally.

Compassion is what led you here. It helps to understand them to the best of your ability.

Since your father is not accepting your help well, it may help to sit down and have a serious talk. Maybe you or another loved one can acknowledge how hard this must be for him. Explain that he is in a stage of life where he needs to be aware of his health and state of mind.

There is a shift that needs to be made and you are asking that he take care of himself as much as he can, including cooperating with you. Strategize about how he can be active, productive, healthy and optimistic. Something that also needs to be discussed is what you are willing to do and not willing to do, and setting specific days and times for visits.

Your quality of life and your other loved ones that are affected by this situation are just as important. Each life comes with limited time and opportunities. Your father got the opportunity to live his according to his choices – and you should too. Once you set the boundaries with him, the only way he will probably accept it is for you to: Stick. To. Your. Guns. Don’t make excuses or try to convince or argue.

Sometimes there are other family members who can help, even the kids! Maybe they can visit once a month or take him out to do something active. If financial support is in order, maybe family members can mail you a check for a small amount each month, or give you a sum of money to invest in your loved one’s care.
Care facilities are often necessary, since not everyone is qualified to care for the physical and emotional needs of another. Be careful not to take on responsibility that is not rightfully yours.

Allowing confrontation and negativity into your life is not good for anyone. You’ll be better to your father if you set your limits while still having compassion.

I work with clients to reach their goals, and often a client’s goal is to improve their relationship.

One client I’ll call Bea was a newlywed. She seemed to feel very anxious in general about the household, the future, her work, her own goals, her marriage, etc. This was becoming very overwhelming for her.

She would get frustrated when night after night, her husband Brad sat on the couch watching TV after work, being calm with no worries or concerns.

She would carry this anxiety alone for a few days and then when he would be settling back, taking it easy, she eventually got resentful.

Unfortunately, a number of times this scenario had resulted in fights and Brad leaving the house to take a break from her.

This was a very sad and frustrating situation for both spouses, and it was only getting worse.

As we worked through this, Bea realized that in part, she was holding her husband responsible for her happiness and peace of mind.

She agreed to be aware of her feelings and try to understand the reasons for them, and then see what she could do to address her issues. She also figured out specifically what she needed from Brad and agreed to come to him calmly and ask for it.

In this case, Bea felt it was helpful for Brad to do more of the grocery shopping and to comfort her with words and touch when she would come and ask for it. It turns out that he is a great listener and loves his wife as she loves him.

I’ve come across this kind of situation often, especially with people who have been married a few years or less. It sometimes causes irreparable damage to the marriage.

Each person should have their own interests and passions in life that hopefully their partner supports and encourages. They can share this and their mutual interests together.

Yes being a couple is a team situation so it’s definitely not recommended to keep important things from your partner. But make sure you own your responsibility for your emotions and feelings and to have healthy communication with your partner.

Ask your spouse for help. Remember, they may love you dearly, but please don’t expect them to be a mind-reader, no matter how connected you think you are or want to be.

As well, if one partner is triggered into a bad place by another’s tone of voice or lack of reaction, please don’t hold your spouse responsible for your triggers. Talk this through with them in a gentle, non-blaming way so you can come up with a solution or compromise.

Don’t expect that to happen overnight, so patiently remind them when needed.

Strive for a balance in the marriage early on so you don’t get resentful for an imbalanced arrangement and then react in a way that causes more damage for both of you.

Hi all, our study includes the survey that is now available for those who feel they prefer dominant and submissive relationship model. Please pass this on so all of the input can be helpful to others:

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/dsrelationshipsurvey

Sometimes things aren’t as they seem. These are three separate questions submitted for my local column. Do you think they got the answer they expected?

Dear Chris,
I am pretty generous when it comes to doing things for or giving gifts to other people. I don’t mind if they don’t give me gifts as thoughtful or expensive; in fact, they don’t have to give me anything. But I still find it so insulting and offensive when they don’t even bother to send me a thank-you note. Is it wrong to expect the very basic human manners?
Giver A

I am a very fair-minded person and I’m having some problems with feeling taken advantage of at work. I work as a clerk in an office and do more than my share of work and often offer to handle situations when others are having trouble with them. I feel like people expect this of me now. I think I deserve respect and some appreciation. No one seems to understand this, not even my bosses. After all that I do, what can I do to get my value appreciated? It’s just getting worse.
Giver B

My friends come to me when they are upset. They tell me all of their problems and complaints about their spouses, co-workers and families. I listen patiently, and give them the best advice I can. I spend so much time and energy doing this, people lean on me so much, but they aren’t taking my advice. This is so frustrating. What gives?
Giver C

Givers, I understand your situations are different, but I do see a few common threads in them.

First of all, this gracious generosity, for the most part, is given without being asked for by the other parties involved.

Secondly, even though these things are openly given, specific expectations are attached to the deeds.

Thirdly, these concerns seem to be coming from a sense of fairness. I can empathize with your points of view, and your feelings of being unappreciated and taken for granted.
This can be changed, but only by you. People are to do things the way they think is fair, right or comfortable for them. Their view of the situation is probably completely different than yours.

You are all clearly in touch with your feelings and beliefs on the subject. In order to have a better understanding of the situation, ask yourself, “Am I aware of or thoughtful about where the other person is coming from?”

For example, not everyone was taught that thank-you notes are an appropriate way to show thanks and acknowledgment for a gift. Some people even feel uncomfortable receiving gifts. Others aren’t comfortable expressing themselves in writing or may be self-conscious about writing anything personal. They may not be aware that you have an expectation of them. Or, they may think a simple “thank you” is in order. They simply are not coming from the same place as you are.

If your intention is for them to receive the gift and the thought, and do with it what they will, you have succeeded, instead of set yourself up for hurt.
As far as the work situation, you sound like more than a model employee/peer. You are being paid for the work of one person; you have the right to offer that and save the rest of your time and energy for you.

Something that can help you feel better about not taking on so much is to be clear that you are not responsible for other people. They are responsible for themselves. You simply don’t have the right to take on the things that they need to learn and deal with in their life.

The lessons and growth they are faced with at their job is meant for them, not you. Let it go and be satisfied with how you deal with your own responsibilities. Enjoy the freedom that comes with that.

As for being a friend to lean on and giving advice: this too takes so much of your energy, and for what? What I am hearing is that the people who complain to you are happy with making you live the miserable parts of their lives right along with them.

They don’t seem to want to change things at all, only to complain. They may not even be asking for advice, and if they do, it could just be a ploy to keep you engaged in their misery. Keep in mind that often when they tell you their problems over and over, it may be they are actually embracing their situation and not ready to make changes at all. Again, it’s their lessons to learn when they are ready.

What a great life to live your own lessons, step into your own growth and be completely free to do that. How empowering it is to know your own value, beyond someone who is often unnecessarily self-sacrificing.

Be more particular about what you give of yourself, so you don’t set yourself up for hurt and disappointment. People don’t have your sense of fairness; they have their own ethics, just like you do.

Most importantly, make a new goal to give freely when you do give, with no strings attached, invisible or not.

Listening to: Falling by I:Cube

In referring to serious, long-term, committed relationships, some of my clients have mentioned that they keep secrets, feelings and items of interest in their lives from their significant others.

Further, some of them have felt it necessary or comfortable to talk to their best friends or extended family members about concerns or problems with their relationship or spouse. If that is something that helps the problem or concern, as long as it works, why change it?

But I have yet to hear that this open sharing of personal and private opinions and bits of information outside of the relationship is any help at all.

A mother once told me that when her adult children complain about their spouses or boyfriends, her children get over it soon, but she cannot. The listener does not have the same relationship as each partner in the relationship does. This can cause harm in the future for everyone involved, including young children.

Couples usually plan to face the world together, intending to unite as a family forever, or at least a team in the long term. They share their lives together and intimate details and vulnerabilities with each other. The plan is often to have each other’s back in unwavering support when times get tough and challenges appear; to be connected with each other.

Elizabeth Gilbert has an effective analogy in her book, “Committed”. A figurative house that a couple shares has walls and windows. When one partner opens up and shares things with an outsider, instead of with their partner, a window opens up between the partner and the outsider and a wall comes between the two spouses. This puts the relationship at risk, by default.

The resolution to stick together as a team through whatever comes is undermined. 

This is also a typical way that extra-marital affairs start. Communication is not at its best, in fact it’s been suffering for awhile and one or both partners have given up depending on it. Someone else, a friend, a co-worker or chat buddy (spouses chatting with other people online – the field starts filling up with red flags) may show interest and often a “compassionate” ear for one-sided commentary on the relationship. The window opens up to the brightness and breath of fresh air – and a wall goes down on the relationship.

Would it have been better to learn how to continue efforts to communicate mutually rather than to avoid or blow up at each other? Wasn’t communication the vehicle that you knew was so important from the beginning? It’s not just words or fact, it’s absolutely vital that spouses become experts at communication – not as much in a general sense as specifically with each other. There is a difference.

Everyone feels love and caring in different ways. Everyone has various ways they see the world. Just about everyone has needs and wants to be validated and understood. Common ground must be established with excellent and consistent communication.

Trust is a couple’s foundation. How can this be maintained if one or both is holding back or choosing someone else to share important things with?

One example I use is that people are expected to learn as much as they can about how to take care of a baby, before it’s born. When the baby is born, new parents continue to research, discuss and learn what they can about how to best raise this little human being. This learning continues in theory and practice on a daily basis.

Wouldn’t it make sense that the same dedication to growth and learning would exist with the raising of the relationship between spouses, from “birth” on?

Add to the fact that one of the things that provides a child a healthy upbringing is to experience their parents putting their relationship at high priority level and mastering communication with each other.

So are issues kept to yourself or shared with someone else other than your spouse ultimately the best or easiest way to go? Keep in mind, when things may seem hopeless, it doesn’t mean they really are.

As most of you probably can relate, I often get requests for advice or insight because of the work I do. Here are a few of the issues I’ve worked on with clients over the years that have helped them create the changes they want.

Some are reminders and some are taught.

• Remember if you definitely want change/improvement/transition, you will have to change the way you think in some areas. An outside view can be invaluable; and sometimes our habits, beliefs and thoughts limit us more than we can know.
• Sometimes secrets don’t need to be secrets. They can do more damage than good. It helps to talk it out with someone who can’t be affected by it and go from there.
• Have you ever heard the term “he/she sucks the energy out of the room”? We are very energetic beings. Whether we let people’s toxic energy affect us or let someone drain our energy is completely up to us – we have a choice.
• Breathing is something you can always use to instantly put you in a more resourceful, calmer, clearer state of mind. Breathing in deep through the nose, holding for a moment and blowing slowly out your mouth can change things immediately.
• As a former chronic insomniac and someone who uses a successful Sleep Quality Program with clients, I’m reminding you that quality sleep makes a significant difference. Make it a priority consistently, as it will affect your health, energy levels, decision making, moods, and overall quality of life. Figure out how many hours you need each night and have them. If you are a light sleeper, use a white noise CD (www.purewhitenoise.com) instead of a sound machine that plays the same 5 second clip repeatedly. A wedge pillow can help with minor breathing discomfort.
• Everyone needs down time. This makes you better to yourself and your loved ones. Be an example to your children and teach them that “me time” is sacred.
• Been suffering from those respiratory allergy issues? In addition to medical care, Neilmed bottles and sinus packets can make a big difference. This helps with relief by gently cleansing and soothing nasal passages. Hypnosis can help to decrease the body’s reaction to allergens.
• Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’ll forget. It doesn’t mean what they did was right or good. It doesn’t even mean you have to have a relationship with them. Forgiveness is letting go of the hold it has on you. Forgiveness is accepting that you can move on without carrying the negativity that someone else has caused. It’s something the offending person has to live with, learn from or atone for. Once you accept that you have no part of that, you can be free of the burden of a grudge. Grudges don’t protect, they damage.
• Kids are heavily influenced by their peers from pre-teen age. It makes most of the difference in how they begin their lives as adults. It’s important for you to provide environments and create situations for them so they can connect with children who have healthy habits and behaviors. Expose your kids to other kids who are thrilled to learn, to improve and excel, and who are positive and supportive young people. Definitely stop any harmful associations before they can develop.
• If you have people who love you in your life, you are truly blessed. Don’t ever hesitate to tell them how grateful you are for them or how much you love them. This only feeds the love that is so very important to you.

Over the years, I’ve talked with many mothers who love and are concerned about their children. Some carry loads of guilt and some feel great about their place in life as Mom. Either way along the spectrum, moms often have regrets and wish they did some things differently as a parent, and they deeply love their children.

So kids, teens and adults alike, here are some things your Mother may not have told you: 

• Wow, was I young when I had you. I had no idea what it meant to be completely responsible for someone else. What a learning experience!
• I’m still a child at heart. The kid in us never dies, so I can have fun and be goofy too.
• I feel guilty about “mistakes” I make. I don’t know if I am being a good enough Mom, no matter how good you think I am. Because of this, I have plenty of “Mom Guilt”. I didn’t get a manual for this when you came into this world, and I struggle with my own personal issues too.
• When you are not happy with me and you feel I am against you, it’s because I am frustrated and overwhelmed.
• Or – when you are not happy with me and you feel I’m against you, it’s because I am doing this for you, despite knowing that you will be upset with me. I want you to have a great life and don’t want you to learn everything the hard way.
• Things that are difficult or traumatic for me in my life may happen. At those times, I may not be able to be there for you like you are used to. But I’m always your Mom. Please be patient, I’ll do what I can to find my way back on track.
• Some of your jokes are cheesy, but I’ll indulge you. Practical jokes, however, frazzle me. I’m always juggling and trying to keep things under control. Parenting, albeit glorious, can be stressful in itself.
• Even though I may show some calm, the thought of you being seriously hurt, injured, sick, etc. freaks me out and puts me on automatic alert. Again, no joking about it.
• No matter what, I love you unconditionally. I was blessed to have you, whether you were “planned” to arrive for a certain time or not.  
• I have always been and will always be your Mother. No one else will take that place.
• I’m one of your greatest allies, and your relationship with me can greatly influence your relationships as an adult. So, even if it feels scary or awkward, communicate with me about your thoughts and feelings. Help me understand.
• Be careful who you trust with insight and help. Your friends can come and go, and aren’t as experienced in life as I am.
• When you were a baby, your needs became clear to me. The older you get, the more unique your needs get, and the more individualized you are. You are always changing. Please make sure to tell me what you need or want so I can help.
• Be grateful that you have a parent to confide in, to embarrass you, to get exasperated with. Some of us don’t have our parents anymore.  
• There are other kids in the family, but I still have a special and unique connection to you. Look for it and you will clearly see it.
•  Sometimes I just watch you in a way that seems absent-minded. I don’t always think of saying that I am amazed at, in awe of and am extremely proud of you in so many ways.
•  If I am critical of you, it may be because I’m talking about myself.
•  There’s no way for you to completely understand how it is to be a Mom until the tables turn, and then I get to be an indulging, benevolent grandmother to your little dears.

Dear Chris,

My wife and I really want to quit smoking. We don’t want the monetary or health cost anymore. We want to stop putting this poison in our bodies. She’s diabetic and stressed about eating more when she quits. I have been smoking for 31 years and am hesitant about the detoxing and stress from trying to quit. We have talked to our doctor about the Patch and she said Hypnosis may be helpful as well. We want to be fully prepared and do it the right way permanently. Can you give some input on this?

Calling it Quits

Dear Calling,

My personal approach is to use whatever it takes to quit for good – with as little stress as possible and the prevention of unhealthy cravings.

Consider that everything people do is to gain pleasure or avoid pain. Cigarettes can be a smoker’s best friend, usually for decades. Cigarettes are there for them when they are stressed, when they wake up, go to bed, when they need a break, etc. They become psychologically and physically addicted.

It’s important to associate cigarettes with pain or negative feelings, and find other things to replace smoking with, instead of just ripping this coping mechanism out of your life. Hypnosis has been proven to help with both of those, and has been established as having one of the highest success rates for smoking cessation. Doctors and health care practitioners often refer smokers to me for Hypnosis. It’s safe, low cost and has no negative side effects.

Research shows that a significant percentage of people stop smoking permanently with just a few Hypnosis sessions. Some studies show it’s more effective to use both Hypnosis and a Nicotine Patch; and either choice has a higher rate of success than going “cold turkey”.

Again, it depends on the individual, but most of my smoking cessation clients had already tried and failed with the “cold turkey” method, and experienced unnecessary stress with it.

Because I have seen so much success with it over the years, my “double-barrel” methods are Coaching, Hypnosis and often Neurolingistic Programming (NLP) techniques for better success, less stress and no cravings. This is often done in two sessions, only with serious clients. I won’t waste someone’s time or money if they aren’t ready to quit, as with Hypnosis, it’s impossible to do anything against your will.

You can check out my powerful smoking cessation program here:

Stop Smoking

That being said, here are some things to think about for whatever method you decide on:

Remove all cigarettes, signs and scents of smoking in your home, automobile and workplace. Placing a bowl of white vinegar in a former smoking area helps absorb odors. Rearrange your previous favorite smoking areas. These preparations can help avoid triggers and gives you a fresh start.

Figure out your social situation – yes it is necessary. If you used to take breaks or hang out with people who smoke, put a stop to it. Don’t frequent those areas or ask them to smoke outside or somewhere else. Again, less triggers, less temptation.

Drink plenty of water and get plenty of quality sleep during the detox process, and it will go smoother.

Find a replacement for your first cigarette of the day, since that’s how you start out your daily regimen. Some of my clients have decided to stretch, exercise, do yoga, go for a walk, brush their teeth, etc.

You’ll have to figure out how to cope with stressors that come up, and make a plan for anticipated triggers.

You can temporarily replace the hand-to-mouth or oral habit with stress balls, toothpicks, straws, gum or sugar-free suckers or candy.

Ask for and accept support and encouragement from those who you are certain will be supportive of your goal to become a non-smoker.

In my work, I see mostly three vital areas in relationships that make the most difference: Emotional Intelligence, The Golden Rule and Habits.

1. Emotional Intelligence

 At a basic level, this is an aptitude that can be developed. You become good at understanding as clearly as possible where the other person is coming from in situations of relationship difficulty. In fact, Emotional Intelligence, or “EQ”, gives you more insight and control over your situation, so the best action to take becomes clear.
 
For example, if your partner verbally lashes out at you because they don’t feel they are being understood at work, it’s helpful to see this and realize that you are not responsible for their action. What you can do is help them feel understood so they start being communicative instead of hurtful.  Listen to them, and acknowledge what they are saying. This can help calm them and you can explain to them how their behavior hurt you.

If your loved one is shutting down or being hurtful because they don’t know how to explain that they need more attention from you, Emotional Intelligence understanding helps you – so you don’t take their actions personally. Once you realize that their actions and words are not about you, but about how they are feeling inside, you can feel less defensive and address the real problem with them.

There are reasons that people shut down, stop talking, blame, insult, and get impatient. If you address these reasons, the unwanted behavior isn’t necessary. And you can use this new awareness to compliment or support your partner when they need it.
 
2. The Golden Rule

A client wasn’t treated well by his past girlfriends. They didn’t seem to make him a priority, and when he tried to talk to them about it, they put him down. He went on a date with a new girl. She wanted to pay for dinner and gave him a small gift on the date. At the movies, he found out via text messaging that some of his friends were going to a party. So he took a bathroom break and left his date while he ran off with his friends! Maybe if his integrity in relationships was stronger, his connections would be better.

Everyone wants to be treated right and cared for in a relationship; no one wants to be cheated on or lied to, so why do those things to your partner? Everyone wants to be understood and validated; everyone would appreciate someone giving them a break when they don’t feel good. Its great teamwork and if both of you agree to be team players and treat the other one the way you want to be treated, it makes all the difference. If you become very conscious of this concept, your relationship can begin to improve instantly. Plus, its preventative care that strengthens the bond.

3. Habits

Its interesting how many books people read and how many TV shows they watch about relationships, yet their relationship is often not effected long term by even a minimal percentage. What has to happen is repetition, until it becomes natural.

The new thought process you decide to adopt must be done over and over again, like new steps to a dance you are learning for a special performance. Awareness is key to making these new thought patterns and actions a habit, which means second nature. This is the missing key with anything you learn about relationships that you want to use but doesn’t last!

Remember; put your plan into action consistently. Decide it’s not an option, it’s a must.

Now, move ahead with all three concepts in place and you may find yourself in loving bliss with your significant other and able to express yourselves easier and feel the love more. Now you are on your way to Relationship Mastery.

Hold the Love Close.

Listening to: Nao Vu Fugir by Ive Mendes