Dear Chris,
I am a happily-married wife, yet my sister consistently tells me with disdain that there is something wrong with our 15-year marriage. She says that my husband is domineering and I shouldn’t let him make decisions for me. She tells me that I have a mind of my own, and it’s not right to defer to someone else about your own choices. Yet we are both happy, in fact we have a more secure marriage than she and her husband do.
I feel loved and cared for, and I feel of value to my husband. I have a friend at work (who is male) that feels the same way about his wife; she is the main decision-maker and the dominant partner. He is very much in love and I don’t see why anyone would have a problem with this type of relationship. I don’t know how to get my sister or other family members to understand that there is nothing wrong.
Happily Married so What’s the Problem?
Dear Happily,
The short answer: It seems that you have genuinely made your choice. Every marriage is so unique – and the only authorities on your marriage are you and your husband. It’s up to you and no one else to bring fulfillment and love into your union; on your terms.
Now to go into a better understanding of the dynamic you describe:
The terms more commonly used for this are a “dominant and submissive” relationship. I want to be clear that, of course, these are not used as negative terms at all. Contrary to conventional assumptions, a good dominant partner is not domineering, and a submissive partner is not weak.
Other terms I can use are decisive partner and supportive partner, but these are misnomers as well, since both partners can make decisions and be supportive.
Dominant partners are not always dominant in all areas of life. Submissive partners are not submissive in all areas; some are corporate heads or military officers overseeing thousands of staff members. The dominant and submissive terms are used to denote what type of partner they are at heart with their significant other.
Who is the stronger partner? No one seems to know, both types have attributes and strengths that the other simply does not have.
Both partners bring love, service and strength to the relationship. In fact, the healthy dominant and submissive relationships are pretty amazing and can be excellent models, as this dynamic nearly eliminates power struggles for the couple. There is peace and understanding, as the roles are clear.
Afterall, in any healthy relationship, it’s not uncommon for each individual to thrive on being able to be their authentic selves with the person they share their life with.
It’s quite likely that most marriages have some measure of this dynamic in various ways. Then there are the ones who would consider themselves a definite dominant or submissive type.
Over the years I have seen many clients who feel as though this dynamic fits who they are, and are seeking ways to understand it and make it work in the best way possible. It’s also common for singles to feel their past relationships didn’t work out in part because they did not find their dominant or submissive counterpart that they feel they need.
Happily, I’m not real sure whether your sister’s motive is to keep you at the level of discomfort she is at, or from true concern due to misunderstanding. Remember, in some cases, opposites attract. Some people like extremely spicy/hot food and other prefer food with other tastes than hot. Everyone is different and it’s up to us to honor the great gift of uniqueness that we’ve been given.
Side note: If you are reading this and you are one or the other type, you are probably feeling very validated. If you know someone who is in a relationship like this or is one of these types of partners, maybe it will help you to understand them better.
