Lack of confidence is one of the main reasons people and are not able to enjoy a successful dating experience.

There are many reasons people have this fear of dating or dread getting back into dating again. People get anxious just talking about it. They dread not feeling like they are in control. Sensitive, introverted or shy people get that intense fear of being put on the spot.

Some people say that they don’t feel good enough about themselves and don’t want to be judged or embarrassed by their date.

Others are too shy to try to be charming and keep the conversation going.

Dating can really be scary and intimidating. You have no idea whether you’ll be able to connect, maybe you’ll do or say something that turns your date off.

The key to a good date is confidence. The secret to actually enjoying your date is making it fun – what a concept!

It’s easy to build confidence when you establish rapport with your date immediately. I use a successful unconscious rapport building program for clients who want to immediately have a good connection with someone they are meeting.

The two basic must-haves for rapport is 1) the other person must feel safe with you, not feeling any threat. This makes them instantly more comfortable and 2) the other person must feel that there is commonality between both of you.

The quicker these two things are established, the better things will flow. It can begin that easily. People take dates too seriously. I believe this is a mistake, and causes stress and waste of time and energy.

One of my biggest concerns about people who are new to dating is whether they are ready for a person who is like-minded and good for them. If confidence is low, or lessons haven’t been learned from previous relationships, the dating process could be disastrous and could lead to damaging and unhealthy relationships. In my work, I’ve helped people “upgrade” themselves as a partner in order to get a partner that is an upgrade to, and more compatible with – anyone they’ve been with before.

Starting out as a professional coach years ago, I have worked with companies, entrepreneurs, families, children, etc.  But it turns out that the type of client I have seen the most is the one who wants to have that healthy, loving relationship.  I’ve helped many couples in a short amount of time when I was their last resort, I’ve helped people have a better dating experience and use more successful searching strategies. There are keys to this that bring great results!

My recommendation is to work through any of these issues with a dating and relationship coach. It’s best to start this work before you begin to date, even before you create a dating plan (yes those have an advantage too) and continue during the dating process.

The following is an example of the need to understand the gift of being a highly sensitive person.

Dear Chris,

My son Troy has some issues that are different from other boys. He is 10 and the oldest of three children.  Troy is both intelligent and artistic yet my husband and I have both noticed that most of his life, he seemed very “sensitive”.  He used to cry a lot and now he is more quiet and pensive. He gets along well with his friends, but spends much of his time alone in his room. He loves to spend time with our pets and he feels overwhelmed by too much noise or when people are upset. He often seems troubled when one of his brothers is acting out. He asks more questions than the other two boys put together. We’ve had him tested and he talked to a therapist; everything is fine and normal, except for his above average intelligence. How can I help him get stronger since he’s so sensitive?

Sincerely, Mom Maggie

Maggie,

From your brief description, what comes to mind is what Dr. Carl Jung called the “sensitives”, or what Dr. Elaine Aaron coined a “Highly Sensitive Person”, or HSP. These are often the types who are INFP or INFJ according to the Meyers/Briggs test.  Some even use the term Indigo children in relation to these types of behavior. 

For starters, you and your husband may want to take Dr. Aaron’s online questionnaire that helps determine Highly Sensitive Children: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm  – If you find that enlightening, I suggest reading her book “The Highly Sensitive Child”. 

An HSP’s regular sensory information is received, processed and analyzed to a greater extent, contributing to creativity, intuition, empathy, sensing implications and attention to detail. This may lead to quick overstimulation and over-arousal. A simplified analogy might be if a non-HSP takes information in through a 3” round PVC pipe, the HSP’s information comes through a pipe as wide as a large lampshade.

HSPs are wonderfully gifted people who have skills and abilities; yet unfortunately, from youth, they have often been misunderstood by their closest family members and friends to be considered and treated as weak, overreacting or too sensitive.  This can be very hurtful and cause low confidence or self-esteem issues. 

Dr. Aaron explains this is a difference of the central nervous system in 15-20% of people and higher animals. HSPs often can be aware of and even feel other people’s moods upon entering a room rather than initially noticing the new flower arrangement.  Family confrontations may upset Troy. His questions may come from an intuitive place, because of his concerns for you or a family member. He doesn’t become overwhelmed with the pets he enjoys. He likes hanging out with friends, but needs to take breaks and recharge on his own.

There are ways to empower an HSP in regard to their uniqueness and special strengths and help them protect themselves and thrive in a world that can be so overwhelming. 

In my coaching work with HSPs, we focus on adjusting to this new awareness of identity: honoring the integrity of self, optimizing HSP advantages and managing their lives so they can be in control to thrive in all areas. I’ve seen improved relationships, productivity, confidence, success, etc.

If your child gets a clear message from both your words and actions that you honor the uniqueness of him and you understand he needs alone time, it could encourage him and help him feel more understood.  You can focus on developing his strengths and skills so you just may see a very strong, resourceful, confident loving young man.

 Listening to: Falling Down by Duran Duran, and assorted selections by Goloka

This to me is a perfect example of a dominant and submissive relationship gone wrong.

A bit of commentary about this subject, hopefully in a constructive way:

I am not a big fan of their show. Sometimes the way family members are treated (and not treated) on this show has been painful to watch. I always viewed John and Kate, the parents of 8 children, a bit differently than conventional folk tended to.

I view John as a submissive partner and Kate as a dominant partner. 

The following opinion is derived from scenes I viewed on John and Kate Plus Eight on TLC over the course of several years, along with direct quotes and expressions from each of them during interviews over the past year. 

John used his power and energy to work hard for the children according to Kate’s wishes and directives.

That was his role.  He seemed at home there, yet didn’t seem to get much positive reinforcement; instead he was demeaned and criticized.

Kate’s role was to lead.  Her role included delegating and directing.  She should have been more physically and emotionally supportive to her husband and father of their children.  She seemed disappointed because John didn’t understand her purpose at times and didn’t have as much attention to detail as she did.

Both were very immature and severely neglected their obligations for the health and maintenance of their marital bond. 

John doesn’t seem to know what to do with his current girlfriend, since he will not be satisfied in a relationship until he finds his dominant (not domineering) counterpart; who is loving and caring.

Kate is lonely because she is too domineering.  Not many would chance a relationship with her and less would have the chance of succeeding and earning her praise and love.  She will not be satisfied in a relationship until she finds a submissive who she respects and loves.

Try as they may, but the submissive one will not have a long-term, fulfilling relationship without a true caring dominant partner and the dominant partner in this case will not have a trusting, healthy permanent relationship without their true submissive counterpart.

Neither is ready for this.  John seems to be floating from one set of beliefs to another religion, one lawyer to another and one girlfriend to another, lost in confusion – even though people simply refer to it as indulgence.

Kate is alone and is pouring through assistants, bodyguards, friends, babysitters, and has even lost her closest family members.

If both had worked on acknowledging their true selves and improving the roles they fit naturally to serve each other and their children, this may not have happened. 

But then, that’s easy to say in such a complicated situation.

Let’s all hope for the best for the kids, who already have suffered more loss, change and confusion than most at this age.

I’m going to be doing more of that very soon, and in the Land of Enchantment no less. 

People get so overwhelmed and adrenaline-driven that they need to take that time and space to decompress and recharge. Only good things can come from that. Make it a priority, for yourself and so you can be better for your loved ones. Then your children and family can learn this from you.

Listening to: Across the Universe – Fionna Apple