Dear Chris,

My husband and I have a young daughter and are expecting a baby boy in January. I often wonder about how boys are raised vs. girls. Boys and men get told to “man up” so much. The men who seem to be ok showing their emotions are regarded as weak. There’s a video on the Internet making a big deal out of a professional football player who “screams like a girl” on a roller coaster. I know I’m being protective, but we don’t want my boy’s spirit to be broken, we want him to be able to express himself and to learn, grow and be accepted without discrimination or shame. What are your thoughts on this?

Mom Plus 1.5

Dear Mom Plus,

Congratulations on your up and coming family member! And there’s more good news – you as parents will be the ones most able to influence and impress your little guy through much of his key developmental years. I think it’s important for parents to help create a positive and confident mindset that upholds a strong sense of self in their young ones. And you’ll have that chance.

I agree that dealing with and showing emotion doesn’t equal weakness. In fact, I admire those who have the strength to both emote and to address the message or lesson that they can get from their emotions.

When I was in middle school, I remember the football coach calling the teammates “mama’s boys” if they didn’t run or practice hard enough for him. That was extremely dishonoring and insulting to them, their mothers and to the girls like me who had to hear that. If their hair would grow over the top of their ears, he would force them to wear a girl’s prairie bonnet for the entire school day, proudly subjecting them to ridicule and embarrassment. I understand that other demeaning verbiage is used in the military, but these were children in school.

Today I see some of the products of similar words and actions in my office. They are men who were told by authoritative adults to “buck it up” in childhood, who were publicly shamed as “sissies” for crying or hesitating to do stupid stunts; who got whipped for crying or sticking up for themselves.

These men didn’t learn to communicate in ways to support healthy relationships. They stuff their emotions until they suddenly come spewing out in hurtful actions or words, covertly and directly. Some of their wives are uncomfortable seeing them cry or hear them yell; ironically they also complain because they are not sensitive or thoughtful enough. So many times I’ve heard men admit to waking up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, struggling with the weight of responsibility on them. If only they could benefit from the empowerment of expressing that stress in a way that is acknowledged by the ones they hold close! No wonder so many of them are at high risk for heart disease.

The little kid in us doesn’t die when we become an adult. Much of that spirit stays with us; we become more complex. Most of us have the capability to scream with elation (so what if it’s a high voice) and to cry when it’s time to have this healthy outlet.

Mom Plus, consider teaching your boy that it’s ok to yell and scream (especially on a roller coaster) in healthy ways or at appropriate times. Teach him that females and males alike have great strengths and that using feminine terms to describe him as being weak is wrong and misguided.

Maybe he can learn from your words and your husband’s example that it takes a strong guy to own up to his feelings and deal with them. He can rely on his self-confidence to be accepted and respected by others.

I suggest you help your daughter understand that males can yell with emotion, just not anger directed at her or others. Humans naturally have emotions and it’s important for them to be honored, not denied or ignored. Both of you can use both your example and instruction to help your kids develop the habit of asking for acknowledgment from friends, family and partners so they feel understood. Show them and impart to both a great respect for the power of communication.