Dear Chris,

My husband and I have a young daughter and are expecting a baby boy in January. I often wonder about how boys are raised vs. girls. Boys and men get told to “man up” so much. The men who seem to be ok showing their emotions are regarded as weak. There’s a video on the Internet making a big deal out of a professional football player who “screams like a girl” on a roller coaster. I know I’m being protective, but we don’t want my boy’s spirit to be broken, we want him to be able to express himself and to learn, grow and be accepted without discrimination or shame. What are your thoughts on this?

Mom Plus 1.5

Dear Mom Plus,

Congratulations on your up and coming family member! And there’s more good news – you as parents will be the ones most able to influence and impress your little guy through much of his key developmental years. I think it’s important for parents to help create a positive and confident mindset that upholds a strong sense of self in their young ones. And you’ll have that chance.

I agree that dealing with and showing emotion doesn’t equal weakness. In fact, I admire those who have the strength to both emote and to address the message or lesson that they can get from their emotions.

When I was in middle school, I remember the football coach calling the teammates “mama’s boys” if they didn’t run or practice hard enough for him. That was extremely dishonoring and insulting to them, their mothers and to the girls like me who had to hear that. If their hair would grow over the top of their ears, he would force them to wear a girl’s prairie bonnet for the entire school day, proudly subjecting them to ridicule and embarrassment. I understand that other demeaning verbiage is used in the military, but these were children in school.

Today I see some of the products of similar words and actions in my office. They are men who were told by authoritative adults to “buck it up” in childhood, who were publicly shamed as “sissies” for crying or hesitating to do stupid stunts; who got whipped for crying or sticking up for themselves.

These men didn’t learn to communicate in ways to support healthy relationships. They stuff their emotions until they suddenly come spewing out in hurtful actions or words, covertly and directly. Some of their wives are uncomfortable seeing them cry or hear them yell; ironically they also complain because they are not sensitive or thoughtful enough. So many times I’ve heard men admit to waking up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, struggling with the weight of responsibility on them. If only they could benefit from the empowerment of expressing that stress in a way that is acknowledged by the ones they hold close! No wonder so many of them are at high risk for heart disease.

The little kid in us doesn’t die when we become an adult. Much of that spirit stays with us; we become more complex. Most of us have the capability to scream with elation (so what if it’s a high voice) and to cry when it’s time to have this healthy outlet.

Mom Plus, consider teaching your boy that it’s ok to yell and scream (especially on a roller coaster) in healthy ways or at appropriate times. Teach him that females and males alike have great strengths and that using feminine terms to describe him as being weak is wrong and misguided.

Maybe he can learn from your words and your husband’s example that it takes a strong guy to own up to his feelings and deal with them. He can rely on his self-confidence to be accepted and respected by others.

I suggest you help your daughter understand that males can yell with emotion, just not anger directed at her or others. Humans naturally have emotions and it’s important for them to be honored, not denied or ignored. Both of you can use both your example and instruction to help your kids develop the habit of asking for acknowledgment from friends, family and partners so they feel understood. Show them and impart to both a great respect for the power of communication.

I’ve been coaching in one way or another many years before I was formally trained through various schools and instructors.  Before my work became more holistic, my education and experience was management and training in the corporate world, while I worked as an entrepreneur. 

Years ago, a defining event happened in my life that changed me in ways that is difficult to sum up in words.  This taught me about many things, including more about love, life’s path and purpose, compassion, the will to live, life’s energy, what being human entails and how to honor it, and levels of new understanding, empathy and intuition that I had been waiting to reach for most of my life. 

One of the things that got forcibly dissembled and was seemingly rebirthed was my self-identity.

Part of that was my work taking a strong holistic turn, and I developed a unique Coaching and Hypnosis practice.  I found that beginning with logic, listening carefully and using intuition and emotional intelligence in my coaching seemed so familiar and helped people get results. 

I also found that besides talking about all of this consciously with the client, helping clients tap into the power of  their unconcious minds with hypnosis and NLP brought even more lasting results in less time.  That combination became more effective. 

Adding energy work, energy healing (Reiki) and spiritual work for clients who wanted it just seemed to completed the process more.

This process is something that just works for me.  It’s all presented according to where the client is at, the client’s agenda, and what is most effective for desired change on an individual basis. 

Listening to Island Memories by Lover’s Lane, a great Chill tune

Dear Chris,

I am a happily-married wife, yet my sister consistently tells me with disdain that there is something wrong with our 15-year marriage. She says that my husband is domineering and I shouldn’t let him make decisions for me. She tells me that I have a mind of my own, and it’s not right to defer to someone else about your own choices. Yet we are both happy, in fact we have a more secure marriage than she and her husband do.

I feel loved and cared for, and I feel of value to my husband. I have a friend at work (who is male) that feels the same way about his wife; she is the main decision-maker and the dominant partner. He is very much in love and I don’t see why anyone would have a problem with this type of relationship. I don’t know how to get my sister or other family members to understand that there is nothing wrong.

Happily Married so What’s the Problem?

Dear Happily,

The short answer: It seems that you have genuinely made your choice. Every marriage is so unique – and the only authorities on your marriage are you and your husband. It’s up to you and no one else to bring fulfillment and love into your union; on your terms. 

Now to go into a better understanding of the dynamic you describe:

The terms more commonly used for this are a “dominant and submissive” relationship. I want to be clear that, of course, these are not used as negative terms at all. Contrary to conventional assumptions, a good dominant partner is not domineering, and a submissive partner is not weak. 

Other terms I can use are decisive partner and supportive partner, but these are misnomers as well, since both partners can make decisions and be supportive.

Dominant partners are not always dominant in all areas of life. Submissive partners are not submissive in all areas; some are corporate heads or military officers overseeing thousands of staff members. The dominant and submissive terms are used to denote what type of partner they are at heart with their significant other.

Who is the stronger partner? No one seems to know, both types have attributes and strengths that the other simply does not have.

Both partners bring love, service and strength to the relationship. In fact, the healthy dominant and submissive relationships are pretty amazing and can be excellent models, as this dynamic nearly eliminates power struggles for the couple. There is peace and understanding, as the roles are clear.

Afterall, in any healthy relationship, it’s not uncommon for each individual to thrive on being able to be their authentic selves with the person they share their life with.

It’s quite likely that most marriages have some measure of this dynamic in various ways.  Then there are the ones who would consider themselves a definite dominant or submissive type. 

Over the years I have seen many clients who feel as though this dynamic fits who they are, and are seeking ways to understand it and make it work in the best way possible. It’s also common for singles to feel their past relationships didn’t work out in part because they did not find their dominant or submissive counterpart that they feel they need.

Happily, I’m not real sure whether your sister’s motive is to keep you at the level of discomfort she is at, or from true concern due to misunderstanding. Remember, in some cases, opposites attract. Some people like extremely spicy/hot food and other prefer food with other tastes than hot. Everyone is different and it’s up to us to honor the great gift of uniqueness that we’ve been given.

Side note: If you are reading this and you are one or the other type, you are probably feeling very validated. If you know someone who is in a relationship like this or is one of these types of partners, maybe it will help you to understand them better.

Some of my dear clients keep encouraging me to write about this type of dynamic to people can understand it better, and others can understand themselves better. 

But for most people….it’s really not what you think it is.  More later.

Listening to: Peaceful Silence

Could you or someone you know be a Highly Sensitive Person?

These are people who have a difference of the Central Nervous System; they take more information in at once than others.  Their sensitivities can bring them special abilities and gifts, and they need to take care of themselves in different ways in consideration of this difference.

Many of my clients have considered themselves HSPs.  It has been a pleasure to work with them as they find their confidence and great joy and awareness in their identity.  The process is very empowering.

Check it out:

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/test.htm

Listening to: Nuevo Mexico by Ottmar Liebert

I’ve worked with a number of clients who have expressed their fear of dating.

I say a person has the right to get whatever they can out of their dating experience.  Fun, excitement, a connection of some sort…or at least entertainment, amusement and always a learning experience.

Be present.  Be attentive and respectful.  Enjoy.

Listening to: Surround Me With Your Love (Mental Overdrive remix and Cinemascope remix) by 3-11 Porter