It’s been a rough year for many people and their loved ones, yet we see these same people, resilient and resourceful, rallying to get excited about the New Year. 

Resolutions, we all have made them, promises and plans for ourselves and our lives to make things better with the new year. Our resolutions usually fall into one of two categories focusing one either embracing a new life style or kicking a habit.

 For many years now, I’ve been fortunate enough to be an “agent of change” for the people I work with and I’d like to share with you four steps that I have found help most with achieving lasting change.

1.    Forgive  and accept

Give yourself the best chance out of the gate and allow yourself to start with a clean slate. This will mean something different to each person, but start by realizing and owning fully that you are a glorious human being. By nature, we make what is called (for lack of a better word) “mistakes”.

Be aware of how you’ve learned from those mistakes and relapses and how now you are wiser. Use this awareness to be more resolved to make this desired change work. Be very clear that you fully accept these changes that you are about to make and maintain.

2.    Determine specifics, setting boundaries

Be very specific with your desired resolution of change. Know when you will start, exactly what you want to accomplish, and what the resolution does and doesn’t entail. This is a strong strategy for the people that are better at self governing. For others who work best with hard line guidance, having someone to hold you accountable on the specifics works best.

Be clear on the whole plan and understand the need to put adjusstments in place to make sure past blocks don’t get in the way. It’s better to come up with adjustments for change and include it in your plan, before you start, than just tell yourself you want to make it happen.

For example, someone who wants to be a non-smoker usually wants to quit with as little stress as possible. So instead of taking away the first cigarette of the day, how about starting a new ritual upon awakening, such as exercise, deep breathing techniques or a brisk walk with your dog? Then you come up with an alternative action or habit for the other times of the day that you used to smoke regularly.

3.    Keep going, have your eye on the prize

Make sure your plan includes  daily affirmations and reinforcement. Journal, write affirmations to keep on the wall and/or talk to yourself and have others encourage you repeatedly about your anticipated outcome – the one you are manifesting. No matter what, you absolutely can do this, you can make this permanent. 

Sometimes you have to make some serious adjustments to your support network. Keep repeating positive statements over and over or keep reminding yourself what you’ve already decided is yours. Make sure that something getting in the way is NOT AN OPTION. Accept that change as yours. Either way, everything people do is to gain pleasure or avoid pain, so make sure there is great pleasure associated with your resolution and goal.

4.    Get the power of your mind on board!

Your unconscious mind doesn’t differentiate between strong visualization and reality. So your mind actually takes what you visualize and works to make it your reality. Imagine a vision of yourself with the change you want. See yourself enjoying the change, being satisfied, feeling accomplished and living happily with the change.

Visualize holding yourself better, breathing and moving easier, and notice that confidence and joy. Take the whole scene in, make it vivid and clear.

Now, make the visualization a natural part of your process and change can come faster and easier!

I’ve been doing a lot of work with myself and clients recently on gratitude. So I thought I would take a light moment and share one of the things I’m grateful for. Her registered name is Caesica Vesspucio, but to us, she’s Casey. Her belly is almost always non-existent, she is always very slim like a greyhound. I was surprised when I saw this picture that was taken in one our our offices, after some helpings of turkey. She had a peaceful nap and got up to play later.

So today I thought I’d share our mountains with you. Everyday, every hour with them is a different scene. Yet each day, they remain what they are. 

So authentic, from any point of view.  These mountains don’t care what the other mountains are doing.  LOL.  They are many things to many people and animals. 

Yes I enjoy the city quite often, but love living here. 

In my business, I see firsthand just what visualization and repetitive thoughts can do for or to people.  I could tell you stories endlessly about the seemingly miraculous and amazing changes that happen.

I’ve noticed that the clients who repeat positive things that they believe about their lives have more of a positive life, and are more resilient.  Of course they are happier because as far as they are concerned, they have more be grateful about.  Change happens quicker and more effectively for them.

I’ve noticed that the clients who repeat negative statements about their lives get more of same, and have great difficulty creating change.  They seem to struggle more and don’t dwell on what they are grateful for.

My best advice that I offer to you on this Thanksgiving week is to use, be fully aware of, and take full advantage of two things we are given in this life:

Love and Gratitude.  Surround yourself with the love of those who are special to you, whether they are present with you or somewhere else; and with the love you have for yourself.

Be very focused on the things you are grateful for.  This could be your pets, a hug from a best friend, a delicious dish, a good sports game, being able to see a family member, being able to walk or talk, enjoying a deep, meditative breath, the scenic outdoors, hearing or participating in laughter or moments of peace…etc. etc etc.

You get the idea.  Try that this Thanksgiving and see what happens….

Listening to: Rosa Del Sol by Gabriel Bauza

Lack of confidence is one of the main reasons people and are not able to enjoy a successful dating experience.

There are many reasons people have this fear of dating or dread getting back into dating again. People get anxious just talking about it. They dread not feeling like they are in control. Sensitive, introverted or shy people get that intense fear of being put on the spot.

Some people say that they don’t feel good enough about themselves and don’t want to be judged or embarrassed by their date.

Others are too shy to try to be charming and keep the conversation going.

Dating can really be scary and intimidating. You have no idea whether you’ll be able to connect, maybe you’ll do or say something that turns your date off.

The key to a good date is confidence. The secret to actually enjoying your date is making it fun – what a concept!

It’s easy to build confidence when you establish rapport with your date immediately. I use a successful unconscious rapport building program for clients who want to immediately have a good connection with someone they are meeting.

The two basic must-haves for rapport is 1) the other person must feel safe with you, not feeling any threat. This makes them instantly more comfortable and 2) the other person must feel that there is commonality between both of you.

The quicker these two things are established, the better things will flow. It can begin that easily. People take dates too seriously. I believe this is a mistake, and causes stress and waste of time and energy.

One of my biggest concerns about people who are new to dating is whether they are ready for a person who is like-minded and good for them. If confidence is low, or lessons haven’t been learned from previous relationships, the dating process could be disastrous and could lead to damaging and unhealthy relationships. In my work, I’ve helped people “upgrade” themselves as a partner in order to get a partner that is an upgrade to, and more compatible with – anyone they’ve been with before.

Starting out as a professional coach years ago, I have worked with companies, entrepreneurs, families, children, etc.  But it turns out that the type of client I have seen the most is the one who wants to have that healthy, loving relationship.  I’ve helped many couples in a short amount of time when I was their last resort, I’ve helped people have a better dating experience and use more successful searching strategies. There are keys to this that bring great results!

My recommendation is to work through any of these issues with a dating and relationship coach. It’s best to start this work before you begin to date, even before you create a dating plan (yes those have an advantage too) and continue during the dating process.

This to me is a perfect example of a dominant and submissive relationship gone wrong.

A bit of commentary about this subject, hopefully in a constructive way:

I am not a big fan of their show. Sometimes the way family members are treated (and not treated) on this show has been painful to watch. I always viewed John and Kate, the parents of 8 children, a bit differently than conventional folk tended to.

I view John as a submissive partner and Kate as a dominant partner. 

The following opinion is derived from scenes I viewed on John and Kate Plus Eight on TLC over the course of several years, along with direct quotes and expressions from each of them during interviews over the past year. 

John used his power and energy to work hard for the children according to Kate’s wishes and directives.

That was his role.  He seemed at home there, yet didn’t seem to get much positive reinforcement; instead he was demeaned and criticized.

Kate’s role was to lead.  Her role included delegating and directing.  She should have been more physically and emotionally supportive to her husband and father of their children.  She seemed disappointed because John didn’t understand her purpose at times and didn’t have as much attention to detail as she did.

Both were very immature and severely neglected their obligations for the health and maintenance of their marital bond. 

John doesn’t seem to know what to do with his current girlfriend, since he will not be satisfied in a relationship until he finds his dominant (not domineering) counterpart; who is loving and caring.

Kate is lonely because she is too domineering.  Not many would chance a relationship with her and less would have the chance of succeeding and earning her praise and love.  She will not be satisfied in a relationship until she finds a submissive who she respects and loves.

Try as they may, but the submissive one will not have a long-term, fulfilling relationship without a true caring dominant partner and the dominant partner in this case will not have a trusting, healthy permanent relationship without their true submissive counterpart.

Neither is ready for this.  John seems to be floating from one set of beliefs to another religion, one lawyer to another and one girlfriend to another, lost in confusion – even though people simply refer to it as indulgence.

Kate is alone and is pouring through assistants, bodyguards, friends, babysitters, and has even lost her closest family members.

If both had worked on acknowledging their true selves and improving the roles they fit naturally to serve each other and their children, this may not have happened. 

But then, that’s easy to say in such a complicated situation.

Let’s all hope for the best for the kids, who already have suffered more loss, change and confusion than most at this age.

I’m going to be doing more of that very soon, and in the Land of Enchantment no less. 

People get so overwhelmed and adrenaline-driven that they need to take that time and space to decompress and recharge. Only good things can come from that. Make it a priority, for yourself and so you can be better for your loved ones. Then your children and family can learn this from you.

Listening to: Across the Universe – Fionna Apple

Dear Chris,

My husband and I have a young daughter and are expecting a baby boy in January. I often wonder about how boys are raised vs. girls. Boys and men get told to “man up” so much. The men who seem to be ok showing their emotions are regarded as weak. There’s a video on the Internet making a big deal out of a professional football player who “screams like a girl” on a roller coaster. I know I’m being protective, but we don’t want my boy’s spirit to be broken, we want him to be able to express himself and to learn, grow and be accepted without discrimination or shame. What are your thoughts on this?

Mom Plus 1.5

Dear Mom Plus,

Congratulations on your up and coming family member! And there’s more good news – you as parents will be the ones most able to influence and impress your little guy through much of his key developmental years. I think it’s important for parents to help create a positive and confident mindset that upholds a strong sense of self in their young ones. And you’ll have that chance.

I agree that dealing with and showing emotion doesn’t equal weakness. In fact, I admire those who have the strength to both emote and to address the message or lesson that they can get from their emotions.

When I was in middle school, I remember the football coach calling the teammates “mama’s boys” if they didn’t run or practice hard enough for him. That was extremely dishonoring and insulting to them, their mothers and to the girls like me who had to hear that. If their hair would grow over the top of their ears, he would force them to wear a girl’s prairie bonnet for the entire school day, proudly subjecting them to ridicule and embarrassment. I understand that other demeaning verbiage is used in the military, but these were children in school.

Today I see some of the products of similar words and actions in my office. They are men who were told by authoritative adults to “buck it up” in childhood, who were publicly shamed as “sissies” for crying or hesitating to do stupid stunts; who got whipped for crying or sticking up for themselves.

These men didn’t learn to communicate in ways to support healthy relationships. They stuff their emotions until they suddenly come spewing out in hurtful actions or words, covertly and directly. Some of their wives are uncomfortable seeing them cry or hear them yell; ironically they also complain because they are not sensitive or thoughtful enough. So many times I’ve heard men admit to waking up in the middle of the night feeling anxious, struggling with the weight of responsibility on them. If only they could benefit from the empowerment of expressing that stress in a way that is acknowledged by the ones they hold close! No wonder so many of them are at high risk for heart disease.

The little kid in us doesn’t die when we become an adult. Much of that spirit stays with us; we become more complex. Most of us have the capability to scream with elation (so what if it’s a high voice) and to cry when it’s time to have this healthy outlet.

Mom Plus, consider teaching your boy that it’s ok to yell and scream (especially on a roller coaster) in healthy ways or at appropriate times. Teach him that females and males alike have great strengths and that using feminine terms to describe him as being weak is wrong and misguided.

Maybe he can learn from your words and your husband’s example that it takes a strong guy to own up to his feelings and deal with them. He can rely on his self-confidence to be accepted and respected by others.

I suggest you help your daughter understand that males can yell with emotion, just not anger directed at her or others. Humans naturally have emotions and it’s important for them to be honored, not denied or ignored. Both of you can use both your example and instruction to help your kids develop the habit of asking for acknowledgment from friends, family and partners so they feel understood. Show them and impart to both a great respect for the power of communication.

I’ve been coaching in one way or another many years before I was formally trained through various schools and instructors.  Before my work became more holistic, my education and experience was management and training in the corporate world, while I worked as an entrepreneur. 

Years ago, a defining event happened in my life that changed me in ways that is difficult to sum up in words.  This taught me about many things, including more about love, life’s path and purpose, compassion, the will to live, life’s energy, what being human entails and how to honor it, and levels of new understanding, empathy and intuition that I had been waiting to reach for most of my life. 

One of the things that got forcibly dissembled and was seemingly rebirthed was my self-identity.

Part of that was my work taking a strong holistic turn, and I developed a unique Coaching and Hypnosis practice.  I found that beginning with logic, listening carefully and using intuition and emotional intelligence in my coaching seemed so familiar and helped people get results. 

I also found that besides talking about all of this consciously with the client, helping clients tap into the power of  their unconcious minds with hypnosis and NLP brought even more lasting results in less time.  That combination became more effective. 

Adding energy work, energy healing (Reiki) and spiritual work for clients who wanted it just seemed to completed the process more.

This process is something that just works for me.  It’s all presented according to where the client is at, the client’s agenda, and what is most effective for desired change on an individual basis. 

Listening to Island Memories by Lover’s Lane, a great Chill tune